backwards

as i was cycling home, i was thinking nothing of any note had happened today, and what could I even begin to write about. And then I saw an elder gentleman (50s, red jacket, bowler hat) walking backwards down the footpath. I thought maybe he was taking one or two steps back to see something he had just passed from a better angle. Nope, just walking backwards all the way down the road.

and isn't that a metaphor for life? no. no it isn't. it was just odd. but it was in a rich part of town so it was more likely he is eccentric, not crazy.

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most important things to report:
i did not get up at the count of 1 today. I decided to play with my phone for 10 minutes first. I shall impose a new rule. No phone playing till I am out of bed. Tomorrow I shall get up at the count of 1!

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i currently have a cold. I think most people I have met at the moment have a cold. This does not offer me any help.
The mornings are the worst in terms of having to clear my nose and throat. this morning i had to generate a massive cough in order to extricate some phlegm from my throat. a huge pretty solid piece of mostly grey, with a tinge of green, blob come out my face. I have not quite seen anything like this before. I scared myself a little bit. This story is probably a bit too much tmi.

is there anyone out there....

I recently read the works of Hendrik Groen. Well, the first of his two diaries. And it made me remember that writing is good for me. Even if no one else reads it. Probably, better it no one else reads it to be honest. For their sake.

The other activity I have discovered which is necessary for my mental health is riding a bike. Honestly, depression is horrific. It makes dropping $10k in 24 hours seem trivial. At one point I wanted to cut my brain out with a knife, but i settled for collapsing on the floor and screaming. That was one of the low points. Riding a bike is the only activity that helps get me out of the hole.
Getting cramps 50 miles into ride London, and smashing the rest of it to the point where I couldn't walk for 3 days afterwards was nothing compared to depression. High interval training feels bad. You have to get to the point of vomiting to know that you've pushed hard enough to make useful physical adaptations. It's really tough physically and mentally. Easy compared to depression.

It's been a couple of years since I was in my 2 year nadir and I've started to notice that it's sometimes a bit hard to feel as bad as I once felt. I won't forget what it was like, but I sometimes find it hard to feel the same way. That's a good thing for life! But it makes the HIT a bit harder.

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I have spoken before about failing to get up in the morning and trying a whole host of tricks to succeed. I still can't do it, but I have a new trick. I tried it this morning for the first time and it worked. Apparently it works with everything. And it's simple. Just count down from 5 to 1. Out loud. While thinking about what you have to do, and that you have to do it at 1.

Obviously with getting up it's obvious why you're doing it. Just make sure you know why you're doing other things before applying it to them!

I shall try it again tomorrow morning.

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One of the reasons for restarting this is to sharpen my increasingly disintegrating mind (I had to look up that word - I could merely remember it began with the letter d). And I just want to find (at least) 1 funny thing to comment on each day.

Today - my lady was feeling unwell. When giving me a hug she complained about a smell on me. She has taken to disliking my deodorant and aftershave. So I have bought unscented alternatives. She still didn't like something. I said I haven't got anything on me. Then I remembered - I washed my hair. I don't use shampoo because it wrecks your hair (true story. I just use water intensively) but I had a haircut today, so I had to use a little. I used hers. That was the smell she objected to!

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Books to read.
Tufte's data vis book (purchased, awaiting delivery)
Hendrik Groen part II (awaiting purchase)
Just My Type (A book on fonts. I think I a lot learning about this, which is odd for someone with a negative rating for artistic talent)

warming up cold callers

i received a call t'other day from one of those numbers which looked like it might not be real. As i was just chilling at home I thought I would answer it.
as usual, i didn't say anything, but waited to see if a robot started talking. (I'm sure i've posted about the robots winning before but cannot find said post). a man then started talking, very unsure of himself due to my silence. 1-0 to me.
It was clearly a cold call. i then remembered the wise words of my friend who had one of these 'people' calling him where he just started asking them as many questions as possible about their life trying to get them to quit their job and doing something useful with their lives. That's a bit morbid for me so i decided to see if i could get the guy to hang up on me.
i just ignored everything he asked and started asking him questions. where did they get my number, what company gave it to them, do they have any other info other than a phone number, why won't he answer my questions, where is he based, why does he keep asking questions before i'm finished asking my questions, what's his name, how long has he been at work today, do any conversations last this long etc
after about 9 minutes i got so bored i asked him "i'm really bored now, aren't you?" to which he laughed out loud. happy with my days work, i said "so you're a human after all, capable of emotion. I don't really care what you have to say any more, and i'm sure vice versa is true, so we shall go our separate ways and i hope to never speak to you again".

i hung up. 1-1

introversion

lots of people describe introversion in different ways. a common one is 'giving energy to others' while being an extrovert is 'taking energy from others'. That description never made sense to me. what is this 'energy'??

A couple of weeks ago I read Quiet by Susan Cain and she defined it in a way i had never before heard. When you're sensitive/reactive to your environment, you notice more and have to process a lot more information. This is what introverts brains do. This finally makes sense to me.
This is why it's so tiring to be surrounded by other people. After reading this, I notice how much I notice. In a club, or at work, the constant noise from many sources, the many visual distractions, all add up and are tiring to deal with. As are new scenarios where my brain has to process loads of new information.

This is neither good nor bad. It is what it is. And what it is, is that I understand how i work, and I can make sure I get the best out of myself. It also makes me realise what I want in a lady. And why for the most part i am attracted to the crazies - in my (very limited) experience, women who are more sensitive to life *tend* to be more spiritual and unscientific. And I like people who are sensitive, kind thoughtful etc. Just not living on another planet thank you please. And I know they exist, I've met a couple of perfect ones. It is just a shame I am so imperfect.

I remember as a kid being constantly told that I was too sensitive. As usual, people confuse sensitivity, kindness, folding etc with weakness. Weakness is to be avoided imo, not the other traits.
While I may be sensitive, i'm not an idiot. Well, I am semi retarded, and a slow thinker, but i try to not be an idiot. And so if I think someone has taken the piss, I'll cut them off without a second thought. I have no time for dickheads and psychos.

toilets

channelling my inner Larry David I seem to have recently become more intimate with toilets. As described in my last post I got a new job. In my previous job, I would cycle to work and change in the disabled toilet as it was the only room large enough to be able to do so.
And how did I obtain a new job? Well, I left work early one day to go to an interview, carrying in my bad a suit. But not early enough to get changed in the spacious disabled toilet, instead running for a train. I got on the train only to find the toilet was bang out of order. There was a second toilet on the train, the size of a toy train, with a broken cupboard exposing the electrics, and urine all over the floor. I even started trying to get changed before giving up to avoid soaking my soaks in someone else's piss.

I arrived at Waterloo station looking for the station toilets. They charge 30p which I would have happily paid if I could be sure there were showers to change in. And if I had any change on my which I don't. They should really accept bank cards and/or oyster.

So I took the tube to my interview, exiting the station with a good 10 minutes to spare. And dressed super unsmartly. I found a local coffee shop and asked if I could use their toilet as i had a job interview. I think the lady took pity on my, even though I didn't really look like a homeless man, and let me use their excellent one room facility. And then I got the job.

I was told it was a one hour interview, which of course lasted two hours, preventing me from having the telephone job interview which I had set up for afterwards. Luckily they cancelled it about 20 minutes before it was due to start and never called back.

kyril bonfiglioli

i haven't even checked that the spelling is correct. I am almost sure it is.

As you can probably tell by his name Kyril (Russian, obv) Bonfiglioli (Italian, obv) was English (obvs). I have only read one of his books. I finished it in less time than it took for the Earth to spin once on it's axis. And that includes time i had to spend doing all the work I was choosing to do. The book, "don't point that thing at me" was a marvellous blend between The Hitchhikers Guide and James Bond. So good, I bought the trilogy. I can't believe no one told me about him, and no one I've spoken to has heard of him.

Another reason for happiness is leaving a stupid job and starting a much better paid, new, and hopefully less stupid, short term job. closer to home and more money = hashtag success.

8 weeks gone

the things people will do for money. not living on the street is good and that's for the most part why i still work a stupid job. 16 hour days of work are hard. that's still better than the alternative, and hopefully one day soon i'll be able to do a useful 16 hours. at the moment 13 are taken up by bullshit work for some average company (including commuting time). The worst part is the enforced 1 hour lunch break. why can't i just not stand outside in teh cold for an hour, and instead leave at 5pm?? with 3 hours as the maximum i get to do on any given weekday this is stunting time to be spent doing useful things. and even 3 hours has been tough to find recently...

i was supposed to leave but agreed to stay on a bit longer due to not having my own software take off yet. and the lack of finding another job.
the only part i like is the cycle to and from work. when driving every day in london you start to hate other drivers. their idiocy and lack of attention is frightening. when you cycle, you start to really hate drivers, for the same reasons, except now they are playing with your life.
my favourite cycling incident of the last month was where a road is currently closed, so i cycle on the pavement for about 6 metres. i can't be bothered to walk the bike as i'm already tired at that point and the streets are almost always empty at the time i'm there. on this day there were three people! i cycled at about walking pace because i don't want to scare any pedestrians, and only get off if there are kids or dogs around. today had three adults so figured they would be able to cope. the man on the right saw me and moved across to give me space. the lady on the left meanwhile, made a beeline towards me and shouted in my face "PLEASE DONT CYCLE ON THE PAVEMENT".
i replied "ok", and continued to cycle the remaining 2 metres where i rejoined the road. i know what i did was illegal. I think what i did involved maximising common sense. I also think what she did was annoying and idiotic. cycling at 3 mph is not dangerous or inconsiderate. walking over to someone and shouting in their face however...

i haven't been on here pretty much since i found a lady. ladies can be very time intensive. sadly, i think she is not the one for me and i will tell her in 3 weeks time. i don't want to quit too early in case i am wrong.
i never believed in soulmates until i met mine. i don't think i'll ever find another. but i guess i should at least try. i did meet one cool lady recently. although the drug fuelled hipster filled east london after party was not my scene, she was super cool and hot. alas she smoked which is really not good. maybe she'll at least help me move on with my life.

in less exciting news, i think i'll be talking all of july off work. i just need to find a better job to take me to july's end.

4 weeks to go

i missed a week. last sunday i was sleeping, riding a bike, sleeping and partying. in that order. i woke up to a hangover which was mostly cleared due to powerade blue and an almond croissant. apparently, everyone else has independently discovered that powerade blue is the best hangover prevention (drink the night before) and cure (drinking the morning after). they also know it's due to electrolytes + sugars.

i can't believe there are only 4 weeks to go. time is basically stationary when you're not having fun. at university, bored in a lecture, i once asked a friend what he would do if he knew it was his last day on earth. he said he would spend the entire day going to lectures by the current professor. i didn't get it till he said it would make his last day on Earth feel like it lasted forever.
the past two weeks have been very eventful (for me) meeting 3 (three) different women. of course, i have achieved only varying degrees of failure with them.

the main problem with only 4 weeks of work left is that i still don't appear to have enough money to take a month off. this is a minor major problem. I don't think i can handle working in the same place for much longer so will have to instruct the horrendous species that are recruitment agents to find me a job starting in 4 weeks time. bonne temps rodders, bonne temps.

6 weeks to go?

when i first agreed to this job, i was under the impression it was a 3 month deal. hence the 13 week thing.
however, 2 weeks after starting, i was given a contract, which indicated a term ending at the end of january. 2 more weeks than i had intended. of course, needing money for food and rent made me not argue. the worry is that the 6 weeks to go may be, in fact, 8 weeks to go. right now that may not be a terrible thing what with the need of money for foods and rents.
the good news is that tomorrow i shall receive a reply on my 'request' for a 4 day week since i can't be arsed for fridays. considering i can just quit, and my 'boss' is now aware of this, i expect it to be granted.

the italian man is away this week. this is a shame as the lols will now be depleted in the coming week. also because i wanted to ask him where he buys shoes from. i need new shoes. i also need a ladyfriend to help me pick shoes and perhaps some other clothes. although aside from shoes clothes may have to wait until i have a money surplus as food and rents is more important. i can't believe i let my self run out of money so easily. it was very silly of me.

anyway, the 4 day week thing is good as it means i can spend fridays doing useful things like learning to cook in the bakery, working for charity, working on my own software, going to the dentist, etc

7 weeks to go

i might actually make it to the end of this contract.

this past week was helped by 2 things. bmw driving boss being away, and chatting to the italian man next to me, though I believe they are not mutually exclusive. it turns out he is hilarious. the italian language is much more passionate than english, and in his direct translations to his comments sound brilliant.
talking about the database that we sift through, retrieving results, rather than making an analysis, he calls the error laden disorganised database a 'sea of shit'

on thursday he had his head in one of his hands, staring miserably at his computer. when i asked if he was ok, he replied 'absolutely'
later that day we took the same train after escaping from the office. packed like cattle he said 'this is offensive to human dignity'. and when trying to leave the train at his stop his parting words are 'if i can get through this wall of people i will see you tomorrow'

i shall do my best to draw more words, and remember them, from him each day.

8 weeks to go

just under since i write this a couple of days late.

last night i had a dream about work. some piece of work which has been going for over a week was annoying me. i dreamt i had a solution to the problem. I awoke from the dream to find that the solution was brilliant. except i was still in a dream. I woke up from that into real life and remembered the solution. it didn't help because the solution was obviously wrong.
this appears to be what my life has become.

my boss is away this week so the guy next to me who also works for him is much more relaxed and talkative. he's a nice hard working italian guy. one of the few (only) people in the office who doesn't appear to be a dickhead.

when my boss is back i need to finally tell him i'm not working friday's any more. part of me wants to keep working fridays as i realised i really need the monies. the other part of me would just rather do useful things with my life.

i have monday off next week. i must remember this and not go in to work.

9 weeks to go

This week was much more interesting.
My boss constantly, unbeknownst to him, reminds me he is a dickhead. This week I was doing something urgent and some important person was leaving early (at 5pm. early lol), it had got to about 4pm and I hadn't gone out for my enforced lunch break. So i said, I'm going out, can I just take half an hour and then leave half an hour early, what with needing to chat to this guy before his 5pm leaving time.
he said no. dickhead. acts like this, the complete lack of flexibility are why working for most other people in this world is a waste of time. i can't imagine anyone needs more than one guess for make of car that he drives.

My mental state this week has been abysmal. 99% of my life is incredible, yet the 1% has such an astounding affect. then I read this interview with arsene wenger. I like the bits where he talks about the past being a source of anxiety, thinking about all the things you've done wrong. And the future also being a source of anxiety. Thus, one has to live in the present. I like that. A while ago I made a graph on here for how I was feeling. After reading that interview I was thinking about my graph and realised that the update to the graph is that the graph no longer exists. I can't concentrate on the past and future for my feelings. Only the present.
I think this is why I like cycling. and cycling alone. It's just me, my body and my mind. Sometimes it's harder and sometimes easier. After these 9 weeks are up, I think I will go to Tenerife for a week to cycle in the sunshine.

10 weeks to go

this may be the worst point. I don't think i'll be able to manage another ten weeks. All I can do to get through this is think of the monies. oh, and this week i'm telling my boss i'm gonna start doing 4 days a week instead of 4.5 since half a day is a waste of time.

the week past was mostly unmemorable. I have taken to spending my lunch break in the library. i like this because it means i can read books. Also, there's a tiny chance i'll meet a lovely lady. I realise i have no idea how to meet ladies.

shitting in work toilets is something no one talks about yet everyone does. it's quite normal. except for the person who was in the toilets on thursday. in all the cycling i've done going up steep hills with an empty tank, hungry, and nothing in the legs, or intervals, i have never struggled as much as the guy who was trying to squeeze one out.

today i discovered that i prefer cycling alone than with others. with others it's ok for being sociable but not good for pushing yourself. and i'm not really a sociable person.

and now, i'm off to watch some football (uk, well spanish) football (us) and knock one out before bed. tara.

11 weeks to go

As I type this, a child is going mental nearby, screaming it's tiny loud head off at frequent intervals.

this past week was an exciting one of making croissants (fresh out the oven they taste incred), fires on my journey to work closing the roads for two days and homicidal drivers. A minibus came with inches of slowly crushing me to death because he decided instead of waiting in traffic, to go on to the wrong side of the road without looking or indicating as I was overtaking him. He didn't hear me shout since he head a bluetooth headset on. He was rather surprised when I knocked on his window and asked him to look where he was going in future and perhaps indicate to other road users his intentions.

Thursday they had a halloween party at work. I use the term 'they' since I have nothing in common with any of them. And of course i didn't go, much to the surprise of my boss (the dickhead). out of the 100 or so people in the office, me, the quietest man in the world he sits next to me, our boss, and his boss were the only 4 people not dressed up. I don't understand halloween at all or how/when it became a thing in england. i do wonder why he was surprised that i didn't go to the 'party' when he didn't ask me at any point before 6pm whether i was going. so at the going home time so i said goodbye and he asked "you're not staying?" and i said "no i have things to do." Even if i had nothing to do that would have been preferable than to stay. the office is very odd in that talking or taking appears to be frowned upon unless you smoke. also, making me work till 6pm is a waste of time as at 430pm my brain has had enough of their nonsense so i spend 90 minutes counting the seconds till i can make my escape. the only good thing about this job is cycling to work, learning some good shortcuts in london town and getting fit. fit, not healthy, since the smog i breathe in is probably killing me quicker than i realise.

this week, i think i will make the switch from cycling in trousers to cycling shorts because when it rains i cannot sit at work all day soaked to the bone as i might actually die.

i'm quite hungry now. i should go and make some foods.

11 weeks to go.

12 weeks to go

well, week 1 went not as bad as expected. working half days on friday was a good idea, as it meant I could leave early at least one day a week. somehow i had forgotten how terrible leaving work at 6pm is. why anyone thinks 40 hour weeks with an enforced 1 hour lunch is a good idea is beyond me. I assume they think it will make people more productive but i think it has the opposite effect.
cycling to work however, was great. only went in 4 days by bike since it rained the other day and i dont yet have wet weather cycling clothes.
anyone, that was all quite boring. like work. i spent lunches reading the curious incident of the dog in the night time. it's a really good book. i enjoyed it muchly.

I did have one funny conversation at work. 4 days after restarting work, i was sitting the reception on my lunch break because it was miserable outside and i can't face sitting at work my desk. the secretary walks in to the buildine, came up to me and said "you're back!"
i said "yes".
"why are you here?" she asked.
"It's too cold outside." I don't think that may have made much sense but it didn't seem to phase her.
"are you coming to the Halloween party?"
"no", i said. "i can't make it."
"why not?"
"I'm busy". at this point i hoped she wouldn't ask again as i'd run out of synonyms for i don't want to. luckily she didn't.

Anyway, I also realised this week that I have literally no idea how to meet new people. None whatsoever. i saw a stunning lady in starbucks but had no idea how to approach her.
Maybe i should do some volunteer work where I can meet nice people. But leaving work at 6 is bullshit and leaves me not much time for anything in the week.
speaking of which, tis almost bedtime.

13 weeks to go

having run out of money from not working i decided to work so i could have some money and not live on the street. winter is coming, but living on the streets in the summer isn't much better imo. apparently, there's a lovely street near me, probably the most expensive in london, which is half full of empty houses. and there are already some that have squatters in, so i could maybe go and live there.

anyway, 13 weeks of work. Somewhere i've worked before, but have little to no desire to go back to work there. my boss told me off for not taking a lunch break and leaving early. even though i'm a contractor, working the hours is less important than staying in the office till 6pm. honestly. 6pm. that's not really acceptable. then he told me the reason why he wants that from me. his previous job was till 4pm and he found the adjustment hard and wants to make everyone else suffer. all i think when i see him now is 'CUNT'.

so i'm going back for 13 weeks for money. in that time i hope to get investment so i when i leave i can work on my own things for 3-6 months with income. i'm not dreading it. the first time i worked there, the first 10 days had so little work for me to do that the boredom was physically painful. now at least i know i'll have things to do. so it shouldn't be too bad. i also plan to cycle to work. dutch style. This means no cycling shorts or jerseys. just normal clothes plus a helmet. i might switch back to cycling shorts after one day of wrecking my arse and balls. on the plus side, burning an extra 1000 calories per day will let me eat chocolate without putting on weight. it's the little things. (that's what she said).

love your body, my girlfriend says to me, entirely innocently. I already do, way too often.
she's not the one for me so i need to break up with her but i'm not good at doing that.

i think i've explained the escalator game on here before. you know, going up an escalator, you 'choose' a lady (or man) based solely on looks to be your other half. then you wait to see if you made the best choice, or if someone better comes along. What happens if you've picked no one by the top? Some say you get thrust upon the final person, others say you die alone.

This is a metaphor for choosing someone in real life. This is difficult to play in such a manner, because you should really assume you've never seen another person when you start playing the game, so there is no frame of reference.
The maths solved this conundrum by telling you how to play. Of the first third, you pick the best, then choose the next person to appear better than that.
What makes this good to compare to real life is you don't really know where the third lies, due to arrival rates.

Anyway, I digress. Though I have forgotten what any of my points were.

In other news, I'm going to quit my job. Tomorrow, I will try to get the program I have written to replace me working. I think it requires some IT guys to open up connections to SQL server, and then I can happily leave. Spending 12 hours a day working so you can take 20 days holiday a year is not the life for me.

i cant believe it's been so long

i can.

anyway, i started cycling last year. england is not good for cycling. mental drivers, no hills, terrible weather. The problem is that it can be quite expensive.
however, i have decided that i will be going to europe next year and cycling the alps. all of them. well, not all of them, but i will do as many as possible.
i will begin creating a list, and also i should start working. i can work till about june next year, and then go to the alps for a month or so. this sounds like the best plan i have ever had. I should spend a week or two working in a bike shop for free to learn how to fix all the things i need to, and then i'll be set to go.
i don't know much about cycling famous roads, but the list will include the stelvio, in east italy, perhpas cervinhio in central italy, verbier and some surroundings in swissland, sestriere in west italy, montervnier, alp d'huez, mont ventoux and col d'eze in france. i think i will start in east italy, near venice, and finish in monaco. possibly in the order listed above. this is a good motivation to work!

Estate Agents

Estate Agents are like a good pair of sunglasses. When you find one, hold on to it and never let it go. I had one and let them go. (They're still there, I just have the misfortune of not using them at the moment.)

Of course, sunglasses have a higher IQ than most estate agents, so the metaphor ends almost as soon as it has begun. I spent quite a while trying to fix my flat after some people smashed my front door in (not a euphemism), the latest in my series of bewildering agency calls went something like this:

The door fixing company came to survey the damage and make a quote. They spent a week making a quote. A WEEK! I chased them a few times, and each time I did they said they would mark it as urgent. I don't think they know what it means to mark something, or what urgent means. I imagine their online record of my case just has the word urgent written by lots of different people in many places, sometimes repeatedly in the same place, and no one really knows what that means. Or they all know that it means nothing. Like adding the sticker 'fragile' to luggage.
Finally, after more than a week, they were ready! Well, inasmuch as they then had to await authorisation to do the work. That comes from either the landlord or the building management people.
I called the estate agency asking them to get the authorisation from whoever it needs to come from, to the door fixing people, straight away so that it can get done.
A day later I called the estate agent to see what was happening, as a door that works would be nice.
She said, she's been chasing people. I asked who, she said the door fixing company! I said, I was calling them last week (when she was on holiday), and their part is done and they need authorisation to continue. She told me she had received an email this very morning from them saying they have submitted a quote and are awaiting authorisation. I didn't say anything as sometimes there are no words. She continued by saying she will chase up people to get authorisation. I asked who she would be chasing, she said the door fixing company! I got confused so stopped talking.

The next day I received a call saying she now knows that she needs to call the management agency who run the flats and will call them.

As for what happened after the 'fixed' the door, i shall leave my story of crime to another day...

empathy

one of my favourite things about poker is how it shows most people have no empathy whatsoever. I say favourite, but it's really quite a sad realisation.

case in point:
someone posted something about religion on facebook. cue, many posts, and there always seems to be one person saying something like, "religion teaches people what to think, not how to think"
My favourite comment was "religion deals in absolutes", i'm trying to not reply, "unlike people who talk negatively about religion".
and then there's atheists who think that by proclaiming they're atheists makes their arguments more logical. like football fans who support awful teams, believing that this makes their opinions about football more important than fans who support premier league sides.

How self centred do you have to be to believe you know about all religions, and more importantly, what people take from them? and then to generalise about all of them, complaining about how they are the ones dealing in absolutes?

Poker players, especially when they start playing, always think about what they would do in their opponents shoes instead of what their opponent would do in their opponent's shoes. Even as you improve, you assume other people know some of the new things that you've just learnt! It sadly seems like human nature is to assume that everyone else does or should think like you.
i don't know how most people think this way, how they can be so sure about what they 'know'.