is there anyone out there....

I recently read the works of Hendrik Groen. Well, the first of his two diaries. And it made me remember that writing is good for me. Even if no one else reads it. Probably, better it no one else reads it to be honest. For their sake.

The other activity I have discovered which is necessary for my mental health is riding a bike. Honestly, depression is horrific. It makes dropping $10k in 24 hours seem trivial. At one point I wanted to cut my brain out with a knife, but i settled for collapsing on the floor and screaming. That was one of the low points. Riding a bike is the only activity that helps get me out of the hole.
Getting cramps 50 miles into ride London, and smashing the rest of it to the point where I couldn't walk for 3 days afterwards was nothing compared to depression. High interval training feels bad. You have to get to the point of vomiting to know that you've pushed hard enough to make useful physical adaptations. It's really tough physically and mentally. Easy compared to depression.

It's been a couple of years since I was in my 2 year nadir and I've started to notice that it's sometimes a bit hard to feel as bad as I once felt. I won't forget what it was like, but I sometimes find it hard to feel the same way. That's a good thing for life! But it makes the HIT a bit harder.

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I have spoken before about failing to get up in the morning and trying a whole host of tricks to succeed. I still can't do it, but I have a new trick. I tried it this morning for the first time and it worked. Apparently it works with everything. And it's simple. Just count down from 5 to 1. Out loud. While thinking about what you have to do, and that you have to do it at 1.

Obviously with getting up it's obvious why you're doing it. Just make sure you know why you're doing other things before applying it to them!

I shall try it again tomorrow morning.

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One of the reasons for restarting this is to sharpen my increasingly disintegrating mind (I had to look up that word - I could merely remember it began with the letter d). And I just want to find (at least) 1 funny thing to comment on each day.

Today - my lady was feeling unwell. When giving me a hug she complained about a smell on me. She has taken to disliking my deodorant and aftershave. So I have bought unscented alternatives. She still didn't like something. I said I haven't got anything on me. Then I remembered - I washed my hair. I don't use shampoo because it wrecks your hair (true story. I just use water intensively) but I had a haircut today, so I had to use a little. I used hers. That was the smell she objected to!

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Books to read.
Tufte's data vis book (purchased, awaiting delivery)
Hendrik Groen part II (awaiting purchase)
Just My Type (A book on fonts. I think I a lot learning about this, which is odd for someone with a negative rating for artistic talent)