Saturday, October 12, 2013

behind the sofa and out the window

behind the candelabra.

behind the sofa with your eyes closed is the safest place from which to watch this film which i would put in the horror genre. out of the window is the safest place to keep this film. specially if its a cd and you live on the 100th floor of a building and acid rain is falling from the sky.

things i don't want to see in a film
"matt damon"
"matt damon's butt"
"matt damon's butt repeatedly"

i don't actually mind matt damon that much, but points 2 and 3 are not conducive to enjoyable film watching. i don't even mind that he kissed a 140 year old man who looked like michael douglas. i do mind that the plot to this film was "LOOK AT ME! LOOK HOW CAMP I AM. I MADE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE 100 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME. I THINK I'M A GAY TOO"

that's it. i don't know how this got passed the stage when they were planning the film.
-let's make a film about one of the worlds most famous and greatest entertainers.
-what's the story gonna be about?
-story?? ha. that's for loser films. ours will just be about making a man look camp and talking to other men. and maybe we can get matt damon to show his butt to everyone. sweepstake on how often? over under line is set to 113.
-i'll take the overs.

I'll confess. i didn't make it to the end of the film. i haven't quit a film since i saw big tit zombie killer (i think that is what it was called. that was 5 mins i'll never get back), and i actually felt like i was saving time in my life to do something more pleasant and meaningful; like iron someone else's socks.

rating -2/10

Thursday, October 10, 2013

a confederacy of dunces

every day at work there is some event that leaves me depressed with the state of humanity.

There were two such serious events this week, that deserve to be recorded indefinitely on the internet.

1) minding my own business at my computer i hear a conversation so loud it was more frightening than thunder coming out of your head. i turn around to see a man 5 metres from me at his desk pretending to use his phone. i say that since there was no need for the phone at all, everyone within a 100 miles radius could probably hear me.
and that's not the worst part. in my enforced overhearing of the conversation he says "I will copy yourself in on that email"


in what i hope was an attempt to look smart, he sounded like a ignorant asshole.

2) someone hit reply all to an email, which went to the thousands of everyone in the company. about 137 people replied to all saying either
"this wasn't meant for me"

none of these people were funny. i hope they were trying to be funny because the alternative is that they are a lower life form than an inanimate carbon rod which disintegrated thousands of years ago and has been returned to the dust.

tomorrow, I review the film behind the candelabra, so you don't have to.

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