real sitcom

my life appears to have rapidly degenerated into a series of unbelievable events. where a series can equal 2.

1. a friend has tried to arrange a date for me. this whole concept is beyond the realm of my understanding. for so many reasons. you do not know what i want. you probably don't know what the women wants. it seems to be a set up of convenience, rather than because it would be perfect. the conversation went something like "i have a friend, blah blah blah, can i give you her number"
pathetic, i thought.
"no, i am not looking"
i meant, no, do not look for me. then i had a thought. "unless, of course, it's natalie portman?"
"haha"
i wasn't joking
"so, i'll send you the number?"

how my friend made the logical connection from is it natalie portman, to sending me the number is beyond me. i may have to reconsider the friendship

then i starting thinking about what i would say if i met this woman. i imagine beginning with "so, when this goes wrong, which one of us has to break the news to our matchmaker?" and if that doesn't get a laugh i will say this isn't going to work and will get up and leave.

and then i began to think of all the amazingly bad things i could say. like "why are you single?" or "how was your childhood" or "have you been subtly forced into doing this too because you made a joke about natalie portman?"

the list goes on. i like that list. i wonder how many questions i could use from that list before she would leave of her own volition.


of course, the first thing i actually did was a facebook check and she is not attractive to me so is there any point? (hint: no)

2. estate agents continue to amaze me in their complete lack of benefit to society. however, it has now crossed over into a blatant detriment to society. on tuesday, when i hear back from these latest set of mongoloids, i will share the email i sent to them, enclosed within an email i'll be sending to the office of fair trading - for their contract and precontract are brimming with unfair terms.
they didn't reply after i made a thinly veiled comment about seeking further advice should they not comply with my demands of returning my money. i think they are either making me sweat it out till tuesday (lol, i've had to sweat dodging a flush draw when the river card gets delayed for what seems like an eternity. they cannot compete with that.) or they were too retarded to respond in good time on friday (most likely). we shall see.

"a gentleman might throw in the towel

but not me" - andy bernard

my brain and mouth sometimes have a ridiculous disconnect.

when i went to say "how are you", it came out as "are you ok?"
she stood there holding my credit card. she nodded awkwardly.
i repeated "everything ok?"
another awkward nod.

a lesser man would give up. i gave up, but only temporarily. i will be back for this russian lady another time...

i wonder how larry david got all those dates with the women that work in restaurants.

conversations from an office. Part III

TNBD (we'll call him tim) stars again.

next to me was sitting an man who turns up occasionally. we'll call him pete.

a couple of desks along sits an unapologetic math hater. we'll call her gertrude.

tim was sitting behind pete.

tim makes a phone call.
pete picks up his phone.
tim says "i know we haven't met, but my boss told me you can help with something"
pete says "ok. let's meet in person"
tim says "great, where do you sit?"
"do you know gertie?"
"yes"
"i sit next to her"

at this point a couple of people next to them have noticed their conversation. and that they're talking to each other.

"but...that's where i sit" says tim as he turns around to see pete on the phone turning around.

much laughter ensues.

the end.


ps i gave some brownies today to a hot kind girl because she was craving them from the last time i made them. SHE GAVE SOME AWAY TO ANYONE BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO EAT THEM OR TAKE THEM HOME. i no longer like her. (luckily she is not flag girl or hot eastern european canteen girl.)

how are you?

a friend just emailed to ask how i was.

i no longer know how to answer this honestly, without saying, "i have no idea what i'm doing. i need to sort out my life".

but no one wants to hear that. it's just a bad beat story. i tried it at work. someone asked me how i was, i said "terrible". they just said "great" and walked away.

just do it

i often get stuck when writing. i think i'm afraid it's going to be rubbish (which it likely will be regardless.) but that shouldn't stop me. i got some great advice from a friend once. just write. it won't be as bad as you think when you go back to correct it.

i was tasked with finding a location for a work event. i try to find things i want to do. i ran out of ideas so obv checked the interwebz. eventually making my way to tripadvisor i saw many things listed. galleries, gardens, shows and many more entertainment things. then i saw this:



the tube

yup. the 176th best thing to do in london for sightseeing is the tube, (added bonus: if you're lucky, you'll see plenty o' rats scurrying along the tracks. (to be precise, they're usually under the tracks, not directly on)).

this is a better attraction than the millennium bridge, the horseguards parade or somerset house!

current state of writing: 0 words today.
current amount i would pay for a boob-second: £0.50

[the second one is to remind me to talk to hot canteen girl. i almost know what i'm going to say!]

conversations from an office. part II

cast:
lady in a meeting
man in a meeting
3 extras
me

lady: so, (man), we see that you are in charge of the next section, tell me about it

lady points to title which reads "cameras - info"

man: it's info about cameras!

man laughs and looks around for reassurance.
awkward smiles break the faces of 2 extras. extra3 makes no effort to hide disdain.

woman: great, but what does that mean?

man: it's about pricing and [bla bla bla - i tuned out here]


later, that meeting


woman: so, (man), tell me what you plan to do to save money in your department?

man: save money! ha ha ha. 2 for 2.
raises hand
man: high five

no high five is forthcoming.

no extras smile.

the end.

fake

last weekend, i met two ladies.
apparently, i did well in the whole talking to them thing, according to the lady i was with. but that's not what i want to share (but i did, humblebrag, obv)
what i want to share is that i noticed accents i couldn't place so i asked where they were from and they lied by pausing and saying eastern europe. they followed this, under light interrogation, by clarifying exact location: "Russia". Lie.
This, I am sure of, because when i said things to them in russian, they did not understand!
I don't know who was more surprised. Me, with my ability to talk to women, or them, when i spoke russian.