Sunday, March 22, 2015

confusing kindness with weakness

much like associating folding with weakness, i think most people incorrectly associate kindness with weakness. quite spectacularly.
I think too many people also confuse not caring what other people think with being unkind to others, or lacking empathy.

It is a great shame for them to live their lives this way. in poker you only lose money for thinking this, in life you lose a lot more.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

things to scare me

this week: talking to a therapist because i went a bit (read: completely) mental recently and I need to sort my brain out.

next week: starting a martial arts training. I hope that this will increase my discipline, make me less afraid of the outsides, and also improve my core strength.

as for things to work on: this week i'm back on diligence. I have so much to do and have had a very lazy couple of weeks. This week i will try to spend more time doing the things I should be doing on my ever increasing to do list. I have lots of great ideas on there, but they're all big projects so i need to prioritise them, focus on just one or two, and put the hours in.

Sunday, March 08, 2015


I fcuked up with the most amazing lady in the world. Now, I can totally understand how people die of broken hearts.

She is still my inspiration, and so I'm getting back on the 'doing one thing a week that scares me' horse. The horse needs a better name. Perhaps Gonzo. Not enough people are called Gonzo any more.

Two weeks ago I signed up to do a bike ride. The 100 miles around London one. oops. While waiting for it to get a bit warmer, I started doing a couple of runnings by myself. I hate running. It's boring and I'm rubbish at it.
Last week I took some photos for a website. I don't think I'm very good, but i'm going to let them be the judges and tell me I'm not very good.
This week I will be donating blood. I am scared of doing this.
I'm also quite scared of doing things by myself so I have done all these things alone.

I've never liked talking to other people. Or taking responsibility for things that I do - the only reason I like working in teams/groups is the shared responsibility. well, that and working with people smarter than me is a good thing for me. Not so much for them.

I think I've acted so well all my life that I've never accepted what I'm like. At least now I can work on doing things better.

Perhaps this was my problem with poker. Not being totally open and honest with myself in what i really needed to work on. The 3 most important areas really should have been entitlement, entitlement and entitlement.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

EdwardX talks

Who knew TED talks could last 30 minutes? They should be renamed Edward talks so people can differentiate between them. I, for one, don't think they should. But still I listened to it. And there was but one paragraph of the transcript which I would like to share. I have read scientific papers that being depressed helps make good decisions. And this part is something that is very eloquently put:

But the truth lies. I became obsessed with that sentence: "But the truth lies." And I discovered, as I talked to depressive people, that they have many delusional perceptions. People will say, "No one loves me."And you say, "I love you, your wife loves you, your mother loves you." You can answer that one pretty readily, at least for most people. But people who are depressed will also say, "No matter what we do,we're all just going to die in the end." Or they'll say, "There can be no true communion between two human beings. Each of us is trapped in his own body." To which you have to say, "That's true, but I think we should focus right now on what to have for breakfast." A lot of the time, what they are expressing is not illness, but insight, and one comes to think what's really extraordinary is that most of us know about those existential questions and they don't distract us very much. There was a study I particularly liked in which a group of depressed and a group of non-depressed people were asked to play a video game for an hour, and at the end of the hour, they were asked how many little monsters they thought they had killed. The depressive group was usually accurate to within about 10 percent, and the non-depressed people guessed between 15 and 20 times as many little monsters as they had actually killed.

Emphasis is mine. I have recently been distracted by a myriad of existential crises. I wonder how more people aren't. I spoke to an old wise man who told me that he went through something similar at a similar age and it all just resolves itself in time. I need to ask how long it takes because it's only getting worse.

Monday, February 02, 2015

poker memories

having been very depressed of late, i have tried to stop being so very depressed. i harked back to the less bad old days and reminisced on my former life poker highlights. in chronological order they are:

1. play money. played on the same table as a friend. Some racist starts spouting in the message box and my friend says: "you have the mental age of an abortion"
2. My 1st tourney win. It was the $10+1, $4k Gtd on crypto, when only 300 players would play. 1st was 1k+, finished 2am, and i was jumping around my house quietly so as not to wake my sleeping housemates. Took a while to go to sleep with the adrenalin pumping.
3. A charity tourney where first prize was a trip to vegas (I won it)
4. Winning my biggest pot. It was a 3 way pot for a total of about $3.5k and I outdrew everyone like a pro.
5. My worst ever weekend where I dropped around $10k. double oops

Monday, January 26, 2015

sad times.

i once had a girlfriend. the most amazing human being i have ever met. it is very sad i am too mental (or idiotic!) that i no longer have her in my life.
amongst the many words of wisdom she has imparted unto me were the following (abridged version):
me: you are the most amazing.
her: only you see me this way.

only today i realised why not everyone sees her the way i do.
she is the most kind and thoughtful human i have ever met. by a long way. a very long way. she only ever tries to do good. being a thoroughly intelligent being, she also has a great sense of right and wrong.

when i was younger someone once said to me, perhaps no one thinks they are evil? perhaps everyone things they're doing the right thing? i do not accept this second statement. most people often do things they know are wrong and spent a lot of effort justifying the act to themselves and/or others. a while ago i gave up these attempted justifications, and now when i do something i know i shouldn't be doing, my general response to myself is "fuck it, don't be a child, it is my choice, and i'm choosing it"

this pretty lady, never does that. it's truly awesome. she always tries to do what is best. and what is best in her mind revolves, not around her, but others. which is even more remarkable.

so for months i wondered how no one else could notice such a thing.

today my thoughts returned to the fact that she is so unique, no one else even comes close to her and i'll never meet another person like her. the cliché which popped into my head (sorry Boris) is that there is no one in her league. and then i realised, to take the cliché even further, it's because no one else is even playing the same game. and that's when i realised why she is probably right that that most other people don't notice how she truly is amazing.

and then i once again felt sad.

Friday, January 23, 2015

Shake spear

"It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all."

Is it?

I present a case for the opposition:

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