Thursday, October 30, 2014

a new wake up routine!

i have finally cracked waking up my brain in the morning. sure, blue lights will work but that won't want to make me get out of bed. also, i'd have to buy one terrible overpriced LED. meditating didn't help me either. i can currently easily get out of bed, go the toilet, and get right back into bed. even when i had a job, i would wait till the last possible second. i tried reading twitter but no, didn't help. as for having a girlfriend - unpossible to make me get out of bed. so far the opposite, it's ridic.

my latest trick is to play a game on my iPhone. You might think this wouldn't help. i found that it hugely increases the sharpness of my thought. currently i am playing circle. it's a cross between that kids game where you have to move the circular hoop around a metal wire without touching the wire, and helicopter. helicopter, for any kids that don't know, is the original flappy bird, and was actually fantastic. playing this noticeably brings my mind to life, with a clear progression of reaction time and speed of thought. after a few minutes (10-15) i get bored/frustrated playing the game, and get up, too awake to go back to sleep.

you're welcome.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

an alternative view to patience

i read a definition of patience i'd never heard before. Well, I'd heard the idea but never associated it with patience. In essence, it said "control the things you can control"
any one who's read about the mental side of poker will be familiar with the concept. As will any recovering alcoholic. Focus on what you can control, and accept what you cannot control.

I am beginning to think that many of the traits that i will work on in the coming weeks will often be closely tied together.

the most important thing i'm doing is tracking my progress, especially, in how often i fail. apparently this helps greatly too. we shall see.

Monday, October 27, 2014

patience

after equanimity, patience is the next thing for me to work on.
once again, the parallels between poker and life are uncanny. in poker, once must remain endlessly patient. you have to ensure that your decision making is not clouded by boredom.
you do not know when your next run of cards will happen, and you don't want to throw away money through mistakes, which will reduce the benefits of the future winnings.
patience is a long term habit to be built so that you can maintain your good play over long periods. long periods being months and weeks, rather than hours and days.

and then we come to life. where i can copy and paste the sentence above with a couple of tweaks and everything applies just as well as to how one should behave:

in life, once must remain endlessly patient. you have to ensure that your decision making is not clouded by boredom.
you do not know when your next opportunities will happen, and you don't want to miss them through mistakes, which will reduce your future happiness.
patience is a long term habit to be built so that you can maintain your balance and awareness over long periods. long periods being months and weeks, rather than hours and days.

fin

Friday, October 24, 2014

my wish is my command
yesterday, i go for a drive. my road is about 1km long, and the entire length of it i am forced to follow a learner driver at less than 10mph. They make it impossible to overtake by moving slightly too far to the centre of the road when no one is coming the other way.
and i was late to a comedy store event in town.
thankfully, i remembered to not let it bother me, so i didn't let it bother me.
i don't think i need a huge amount of practice in equanimity, other than in driving and online poker.

i'm not sure what i'll be focussing on next week, but i'm sure it will be arranged to test me as often as possible.

the last couple of days have been happily uneventful. other than having to remind my clients that i'm not a bank and do not wish to loan them money till they bother to pay. i don't know why they think it's acceptable. I assume they are just testing me to see my reaction as i can fathom no other reason for their unfair practice of not paying on time when they have the money in the bank.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

testing

It's comforting to know that as soon as I try and practice something, the world aids my attempts to do so.
Not long after writing the post about staying calm in testing situations, I went outside to get in my car and drive off to a meeting. Except my rear tyre was flat. A short investigation revealed a 1.5cm screw had inserted itself into said tyre.
I enjoyed having to rearrange the meeting, change the tyre and go to a shop to get it repaired. It was a bit annoying with the meeting that I had to rearrange but they were quite understanding. I'm not sure these are the sorts of things that cause me to make bad decisions so I will kindly ask the universe to try a bit harder for the remaining days of this week.

Monday, October 20, 2014

tilt!

the parallels of the last post with tilt are incredible!

for example, you think you have made some improvements with regards to not tilting like a special needs monkey only to find yourself playing at 4am, trying to dig yourself out of a hole, as your accounts become emptier than your soul.

It's only when things get tough, do you see how far you've come and so you always need to be on guard even when you think you're getting somewhere. It's a lot easier to tilt in poker than irl for me. The only parallel I found was with driving. Other drivers used to make my blood boil! I noticed a strong correlation between peace with the stupidity and homicidal nature of drivers and an increase in poker winnings. I should probably start driving around town on Sundays to see how i am doing with my equanimity.

equanimity

I just learnt this word. It's a cool word. It means having calmness and composure, especially in a difficult situation. Every day this week I will try to put myself in a difficult situation with the express intention of remaining calm and composed and clear of thought. I will let you know how I get on.

Tomorrow, I am going for a meeting where i will be showing someone how to set up some analytic tools. I don't remember how to do it. I will not panic, or show and panic, and help them set it up.

I need to find things to fill the rest of the week! I will make some phone calls to companies (almost cold calls) which I don't like to do. That will be a good test. I also want to start doing a martial art a couple of times a week so I am not so weedy. I will find a class. I am not great at meeting people in unfamiliar situations so this will be more practice.
If anyone can suggest more awkward situations for me to put myself in, I will be very grateful.

I just thought of another. A company that owes me money, and who knew they owed me money before I started working, didn't tell me when I started, nor when i invoiced them, nor when I told them their invoices were late. They waited a long time to tell me. I was deciding how angry to pretend to be when I next speak to them. Instead, I will remain calm and composed when I next speak to them to explain to them how terrible they are at business and how they will have to change their ways if they wish me to do any work for them in future. That can be saved for later in the week.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

forgetful sticks

i have lost many memory sticks in my time. I need to start password protecting them all since i know have data on them that could be called sensitive. my current losses are 2 identical looking ones. they're a bit shiny. i moved from my cave to an actual flat and now i can't find them. one is empty and one is full. i need the full one quite urgently. i will spend another few rounds of combing every inch of my flat including all the "obviously it can't be in there places because i haven't even opened that cupboard since i moved in and have no idea what is actually in there, i hope it's not spiders" places. i will simultaneously concentrate on not thinking that it is in the laptop case i threw away which was falling apart.

in other news, i moved out of my cave into a flat. i forget if i mentioned this. i am forgetting lots these days. i surely mentioned the bricks that masquerade as "heaters"?

as a brit, when people ask me how i am, i respond reflexively with, "great thanks!" if i had to answer truthfully i would say i feel both truly brilliant and utterly terrible at the same time. it's quite odd. i also find it difficult (impossible) to tell other people about this. i don't feel sorry for myself, and don't want anyone else too either.
one feeling often wins from the other but they're both always there. i appreciate immensely how incredibly lucky i am. i am well aware of this and it often permeates my many thoughts. it is a great source of relief and happiness and motivation to do well. at the same time, and sometimes winning are overwhelming feelings of depression and despair. i sometimes think about just moving away from everyone and living in an actual cave somewhere. i wouldn't even like to tell anyone. just go, for 6 months, and then come back to see how i feel. i often think no one would even notice. sometimes, i even like the thought that no one would notice. but like the occasional suicidal thoughts i know i don't have the gumption to go through with it. gumption. what a lovely word.

(i don't think i even have actual suicidal thoughts, just those where i don't really care if i accidentally or on purpose ceased to exist.)
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