Friday, October 24, 2014

my wish is my command
yesterday, i go for a drive. my road is about 1km long, and the entire length of it i am forced to follow a learner driver at less than 10mph. They make it impossible to overtake by moving slightly too far to the centre of the road when no one is coming the other way.
and i was late to a comedy store event in town.
thankfully, i remembered to not let it bother me, so i didn't let it bother me.
i don't think i need a huge amount of practice in equanimity, other than in driving and online poker.

i'm not sure what i'll be focussing on next week, but i'm sure it will be arranged to test me as often as possible.

the last couple of days have been happily uneventful. other than having to remind my clients that i'm not a bank and do not wish to loan them money till they bother to pay. i don't know why they think it's acceptable. I assume they are just testing me to see my reaction as i can fathom no other reason for their unfair practice of not paying on time when they have the money in the bank.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014


It's comforting to know that as soon as I try and practice something, the world aids my attempts to do so.
Not long after writing the post about staying calm in testing situations, I went outside to get in my car and drive off to a meeting. Except my rear tyre was flat. A short investigation revealed a 1.5cm screw had inserted itself into said tyre.
I enjoyed having to rearrange the meeting, change the tyre and go to a shop to get it repaired. It was a bit annoying with the meeting that I had to rearrange but they were quite understanding. I'm not sure these are the sorts of things that cause me to make bad decisions so I will kindly ask the universe to try a bit harder for the remaining days of this week.

Monday, October 20, 2014


the parallels of the last post with tilt are incredible!

for example, you think you have made some improvements with regards to not tilting like a special needs monkey only to find yourself playing at 4am, trying to dig yourself out of a hole, as your accounts become emptier than your soul.

It's only when things get tough, do you see how far you've come and so you always need to be on guard even when you think you're getting somewhere. It's a lot easier to tilt in poker than irl for me. The only parallel I found was with driving. Other drivers used to make my blood boil! I noticed a strong correlation between peace with the stupidity and homicidal nature of drivers and an increase in poker winnings. I should probably start driving around town on Sundays to see how i am doing with my equanimity.


I just learnt this word. It's a cool word. It means having calmness and composure, especially in a difficult situation. Every day this week I will try to put myself in a difficult situation with the express intention of remaining calm and composed and clear of thought. I will let you know how I get on.

Tomorrow, I am going for a meeting where i will be showing someone how to set up some analytic tools. I don't remember how to do it. I will not panic, or show and panic, and help them set it up.

I need to find things to fill the rest of the week! I will make some phone calls to companies (almost cold calls) which I don't like to do. That will be a good test. I also want to start doing a martial art a couple of times a week so I am not so weedy. I will find a class. I am not great at meeting people in unfamiliar situations so this will be more practice.
If anyone can suggest more awkward situations for me to put myself in, I will be very grateful.

I just thought of another. A company that owes me money, and who knew they owed me money before I started working, didn't tell me when I started, nor when i invoiced them, nor when I told them their invoices were late. They waited a long time to tell me. I was deciding how angry to pretend to be when I next speak to them. Instead, I will remain calm and composed when I next speak to them to explain to them how terrible they are at business and how they will have to change their ways if they wish me to do any work for them in future. That can be saved for later in the week.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

forgetful sticks

i have lost many memory sticks in my time. I need to start password protecting them all since i know have data on them that could be called sensitive. my current losses are 2 identical looking ones. they're a bit shiny. i moved from my cave to an actual flat and now i can't find them. one is empty and one is full. i need the full one quite urgently. i will spend another few rounds of combing every inch of my flat including all the "obviously it can't be in there places because i haven't even opened that cupboard since i moved in and have no idea what is actually in there, i hope it's not spiders" places. i will simultaneously concentrate on not thinking that it is in the laptop case i threw away which was falling apart.

in other news, i moved out of my cave into a flat. i forget if i mentioned this. i am forgetting lots these days. i surely mentioned the bricks that masquerade as "heaters"?

as a brit, when people ask me how i am, i respond reflexively with, "great thanks!" if i had to answer truthfully i would say i feel both truly brilliant and utterly terrible at the same time. it's quite odd. i also find it difficult (impossible) to tell other people about this. i don't feel sorry for myself, and don't want anyone else too either.
one feeling often wins from the other but they're both always there. i appreciate immensely how incredibly lucky i am. i am well aware of this and it often permeates my many thoughts. it is a great source of relief and happiness and motivation to do well. at the same time, and sometimes winning are overwhelming feelings of depression and despair. i sometimes think about just moving away from everyone and living in an actual cave somewhere. i wouldn't even like to tell anyone. just go, for 6 months, and then come back to see how i feel. i often think no one would even notice. sometimes, i even like the thought that no one would notice. but like the occasional suicidal thoughts i know i don't have the gumption to go through with it. gumption. what a lovely word.

(i don't think i even have actual suicidal thoughts, just those where i don't really care if i accidentally or on purpose ceased to exist.)

Monday, October 13, 2014

five bellies

i hope five bellies isn't initiated by eating too many desserts. I have a worrying suspicion that that is exactly how it begins. And if that is indeed the case, then I must surely cut down. firstly, i am in love with twirl bites. horrifically, they are equivalent to 4 twirl two finger bars, yet i have no qualms about devouring the entire pack in one sitting. something i would never do to 4 twirls. jelly bellies are also a massive weakness. lemon tarts are another phenomenal dessert which I could just eat continuously. I am in some ways lucky that I don't know how to make them.
yesterday, i went out for food and had an awesome cake for dessert. mousse, with biscuit, a bit chewy, a bit soft and a whole lot of delicious. I was still hungry so we went to get a tea and belgian waffles covered in cream and ice cream from another shop. I felt like telling the waitress we were there for bang bang, louis ck style.

though of course i didn't. the waitress was so hot I think i might even go back.

Sunday, October 12, 2014


is all logic based on either circular or axiomatic logic?

for example, "stop" is defined as
(of an event, action, or process) come to an end; cease to happen.

"cease" is defined as
come or bring to an end.

"end" is defined as
a final part of something, especially a period of time, an activity, or a story.

"final is defined as"
coming at the end of a series.

so it seems that you can't use dictionaries to understand words without knowing some words to start with.

maths is axiomatic and just uses some axioms which seem obvious (e.g. a+b = b+a) to construct the maths. but really, they aren't defined anywhere.

i don't know where i'm going with this. I guess I don't really know anything or know how anyone knows anything.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014


i think everyone likes the bubbles that float out of the washing up liquid bottle.

bubbles, which no one likes, are poker bubbles. luckily i avoid them by going out just before the bubble.

i played again last week and went out just as the final table was forming. it was quite uneventful and mostly standard. i made one mistake where i chickened out on my plan when it came to shoving the turn after i raised the flop against someone who just bets incessantly and folds to pressure without big hands.
what was most interesting was the guy who rocked up late to the table. wearing sunglasses. lol, it was night time outside. and not that bright inside. nor were the lights in his head too bright. he was big boned (not fat, just quite big framed) and was obviously accustomed to being all alpha male. at one point i needed some change so help up a chip to him and said "have you got any change?". he replies "yes" and clearly purposefully looks away and pauses before looking back and saying "What's your next question?"
i replied "thanks" and threw him the chip.
he repeats "what's the next question?" and i just stared at him till he gave me the change. i think he takes himself a little bit too seriously. anyone playing in this tournament is not good at poker. including me, it would seem, as i can't beat these mouth breathers.

i play the euromillions when the jackpot becomes large. however, it's still -ev.
the odds of winning are about 1 in 116,531,800. it must be noted that it costs £2 to play. So only when the jackpot is £233,063,600 should you start to play. this of course assumes you are the only winner.
i think what makes it all worthwhile is that i never remember to check the results, but i do get an email from them when i win. so you awake to find a teasing "you've won something check your account" message, to which your mind dreams for a few minutes. then you check your account to find £2.80 in there. after you spent £10.

that was really two blogs in one, so i need a break. back on the weekend.
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