Monday, April 29, 2013

"a gentleman might throw in the towel

but not me" - andy bernard

my brain and mouth sometimes have a ridiculous disconnect.

when i went to say "how are you", it came out as "are you ok?"
she stood there holding my credit card. she nodded awkwardly.
i repeated "everything ok?"
another awkward nod.

a lesser man would give up. i gave up, but only temporarily. i will be back for this russian lady another time...

i wonder how larry david got all those dates with the women that work in restaurants.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

conversations from an office. Part III

TNBD (we'll call him tim) stars again.

next to me was sitting an man who turns up occasionally. we'll call him pete.

a couple of desks along sits an unapologetic math hater. we'll call her gertrude.

tim was sitting behind pete.

tim makes a phone call.
pete picks up his phone.
tim says "i know we haven't met, but my boss told me you can help with something"
pete says "ok. let's meet in person"
tim says "great, where do you sit?"
"do you know gertie?"
"i sit next to her"

at this point a couple of people next to them have noticed their conversation. and that they're talking to each other.

"but...that's where i sit" says tim as he turns around to see pete on the phone turning around.

much laughter ensues.

the end.

ps i gave some brownies today to a hot kind girl because she was craving them from the last time i made them. SHE GAVE SOME AWAY TO ANYONE BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO EAT THEM OR TAKE THEM HOME. i no longer like her. (luckily she is not flag girl or hot eastern european canteen girl.)

Friday, April 19, 2013

how are you?

a friend just emailed to ask how i was.

i no longer know how to answer this honestly, without saying, "i have no idea what i'm doing. i need to sort out my life".

but no one wants to hear that. it's just a bad beat story. i tried it at work. someone asked me how i was, i said "terrible". they just said "great" and walked away.

Monday, April 15, 2013

just do it

i often get stuck when writing. i think i'm afraid it's going to be rubbish (which it likely will be regardless.) but that shouldn't stop me. i got some great advice from a friend once. just write. it won't be as bad as you think when you go back to correct it.

i was tasked with finding a location for a work event. i try to find things i want to do. i ran out of ideas so obv checked the interwebz. eventually making my way to tripadvisor i saw many things listed. galleries, gardens, shows and many more entertainment things. then i saw this:

the tube

yup. the 176th best thing to do in london for sightseeing is the tube, (added bonus: if you're lucky, you'll see plenty o' rats scurrying along the tracks. (to be precise, they're usually under the tracks, not directly on)).

this is a better attraction than the millennium bridge, the horseguards parade or somerset house!

current state of writing: 0 words today.
current amount i would pay for a boob-second: £0.50

[the second one is to remind me to talk to hot canteen girl. i almost know what i'm going to say!]

Friday, April 12, 2013

conversations from an office. part II

lady in a meeting
man in a meeting
3 extras

lady: so, (man), we see that you are in charge of the next section, tell me about it

lady points to title which reads "cameras - info"

man: it's info about cameras!

man laughs and looks around for reassurance.
awkward smiles break the faces of 2 extras. extra3 makes no effort to hide disdain.

woman: great, but what does that mean?

man: it's about pricing and [bla bla bla - i tuned out here]

later, that meeting

woman: so, (man), tell me what you plan to do to save money in your department?

man: save money! ha ha ha. 2 for 2.
raises hand
man: high five

no high five is forthcoming.

no extras smile.

the end.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


last weekend, i met two ladies.
apparently, i did well in the whole talking to them thing, according to the lady i was with. but that's not what i want to share (but i did, humblebrag, obv)
what i want to share is that i noticed accents i couldn't place so i asked where they were from and they lied by pausing and saying eastern europe. they followed this, under light interrogation, by clarifying exact location: "Russia". Lie.
This, I am sure of, because when i said things to them in russian, they did not understand!
I don't know who was more surprised. Me, with my ability to talk to women, or them, when i spoke russian.

Monday, April 08, 2013

Conversation from the office. part I

Scene with:
Tim nice but dim
Uninterested party 1
Uninterested party 2

Silence broken by a very loud exclamation:

TNBD: "Guys! Guess what film I watched last night"


UP1: "The Lion King"
TNBD: "It's amazing how people have guessed that. I asked someone else and she said the same thing"

Brief pause while the response sinks in.

UP1: "Wait. You mean you actually watched the Lion King last night?"
TNBD: "Yes"

Back to silence.

The End.

Friday, April 05, 2013

today i ate some minstrels.

most places i go, i get accused of being a local. not russia, mind.
i get asked for directions often, so i've learnt to say in many languages "go straight, and then it's on the right."
sometimes, my lack of language gives it away. sometimes, my no doubt hideous accent.
sometimes though, i can just use international sign language. or if i'm far enough away e.g. directions to a passing automanoble, i can just mumble.

yesterday, i hit a first.

in a bar in town, unbeknown to me, they had a foreign gathering evening. i was there early, and drinking alongside two pasty ladies. one hot, one, not so much. opposite my friend and me, were a group of audible spaniards. the manager walked over to the ladies and told them of the foreign evening, saying they are welcome to stay where they are sat, but it might get noisy. he tried some awful banter and then turned to walk away. he saw the spaniards, and continued on his visual scanning of the room. next, it was us. he looked at us and said to himself, out loud, "you're ok here" and continued on his rounds.

my friend turns to me and says, "well, in a suit you do look like the algerian prime minister"

i went home and had a shave.

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

updated goals. yeah.

a minor change to my daily goals. but a good one.
also, im gonna try to stick to it.

slacked off on reading my personal statement every morning. i got afraid as it motivated me to do stuff and i'm lazy.

started reading again. 30 minutes a day minimum. i like this one. currently reading about economics as i know very little about it. it seems interesting, if hugely subjective in practice.

i want to include 30 minutes of writing a day on there too. but i feel there is a lot there already. i will try to do some of that, but won't yet force myself to do that every day like the other things.

actually, there's one more thing that i won't force daily yet, and that is the poker. i have remembered that my betfair account is in the red. this is partly because i spunked away £1k on horses. but nonetheless, i would very much like to see the card deposits back in negative. to the point of obsession. (is this how addictions start?) i can't remember how much i am down, although i would like to wipe it out in 3/4 months. i will deposit some money and report back with target to level. THATS RIGHT. I MIGHT DO SOME POKER!!!1!
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