Friday, August 19, 2011

i haven't been doing very much

got the new hem beta but barely had a chance to play with it

more importantly i came up with a magnificent joke (8.2/10 rating). you heard it hear first. don't copy it without crediting me.

people often accuse me of being sexy, but it's only because i get the words erotic and erratic mixed up.

Monday, August 08, 2011

today the bbc are running stories more full of sugar than usual

i still find it funny that people say sugar instead of shit. it's also quite interesting that sugar is the only word in the english language which has the su making an sh sound. of this i am sure.

but back to the nonsense at the bbc. firstly a non event non story.
i'm sure i've mentioned this before but when i was in the usa, i went to a bar, waited, ordered a drink, got my bottles and as i was about to go back to my seat was verbally attacked by the bar man saying if i wasn't gonna tip i should leave. so we had our drinks and left. i know it's customary in the us to tip relentlessly but surely people not actually doing anything for you is not worthy of a tip? that would never happen in europe. or so i thought. apparently our pm was forced in a coffee shop to go and get his own drink from the counter rather than have it brought to his table, so he didn't tip. and then he went back the next day to leave a proper tip. to me, this is akin to tipping in starbucks where you serve yourself.

the second story which has a stench of baloney gone off is associated with the normally good programme horizon. the guy keeps saying colours aren't real, they're just in your head. i had to double check it wasn't april the 1st. he then goes on to prove this by using optical illusions. surely, tricking your eyes into seeing different colours doesn't make them imaginary. that's like saying at night when you don't see in colour, it's because colour isn't real.

all of this worries me because a few weeks ago i spoke to a journalist about online gambling and poker. i worry about the nonsense spin they will be bashing out. i fear any article from them is going to be like the blind leading the blind. except where the leading blind is a self righteous turd that you expect to find being fired on the apprentice.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

the worst lawn mower of all time

i just had the misfortune to use the subject title of this post. what appears to have happened is the company 'cutting edge saw' other lawnmowers and thoguht, how hard can it be? so they tried to copy others, in the process, making each and every aspect awful beyond comprehension.
Equipped with the shortest cable i have ever seen it just allows me to reach halfway down the garden.
They have obviously noticed that other lawn mowers have arms and decided that they would make theirs detachable. they are so detachable in fact, they fall off incessantly. move it in any direction that's not directly forwards, and the arms just fall out. heaven forbid you should need to move backwards.
they saw for safety that you have a button to push and a handle to hold down to start the machine. and you need to keep the handle squeezed to keep the motor running. i have big hands yet find it incredibly awkward due to its retarded shape. luckily you are already deterred from trying to turn it but should you choose to do so it will stretch your skin on your palm and fingers giving you massive blood filled blisters leaving you to type at 4 words per minute using just your left hand.
they saw that other mowers have this box thing at the back. unable to work out what it was for they left it as some sort of showpiece. grass doesn't get funnelled into it very well, just clogging up the blades instead. you may try to remove this unnecessary trophy box since it's primary role is falling off the back. however, take the box off and the panel that covers the back of the mower it prevents any grass exiting. so you have to leave it on to ensure it only jams every 30 seconds instead of every 10.
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