Monday, March 30, 2015

the worst theives

having been attacked by the worst muggers, i have now been burgled by the worst burglers.

they destroyed my front door, stole my car keys, ransacked the place and took nothing other than a few pounds in change. nothing else at all. things i have worth more than £500 in my flat are

that is all.
the most expensive things are probably my bike and my laptop. after that, i don't think there's anything worth over £100. the most expensive thing i own is my car. they took the keys. not the car, just the keys. the police reckon they got disturbed, but having been through every cupboard in the place, including pots and pans, it seems like they had time to look through everything. i think they were just interested in cash monies. it's a bit like being mugged from a distance.

the annoying thing is having to replace a door (landlord pays for it) and car key set (hopefully contents insurance cos that is blady expensive). i think i'm very lucky. of course, my one time therapiss told me off for thinking i'm lucky. and that's why i fired her.

this week i have signed up to 10 weeks of self defence. i hope i can achieve something useful in 10 weeks.

Sunday, March 29, 2015


I went to a therapist this week and am astonished at how much it has helped. They had many certificates on the wall, and recommendations from people i trust. The only word I want to use to describe them is terrible.

they were more interested in talking to me, than listening to me. Worse still, the rare occasions they did listen, they didn't believe me!

For example, they said how i should do things outside my comfort zone, so i said i had started doing that. they ignored me and carried on telling me that i need to do these things. They just repeated their point that i'm scared of trying new things. that was odd.

to try to help them, i gave examples of things i choose not to do, not because i was SCARED, but because I didn't like it. they told me i was actually scared of it, that i found it stressful, and being an introvert is a choice. i did well to hide my disdain. On my way home I was considering sending them an email asking if they think other issues, like perhaps autism, are also a choice.
at one point i explained that i was a slow thinker. which i am. they replied to tell me i wasn't. i had no idea how to respond. why would you not believe me when i say things?

next up, they asked if two wooden planks were laid out 6 inches apart on the floor, I would be comfortable walking along them. I said yes, obviously. They then said what if they were 30 feet in the air. I said no. they said, but it's the same. I said, no, the risk-reward ratio has now become unacceptable. There is now a risk of injury, with zero reward. They refused to respond to my point!

The funniest part was when they tried to teach me about control. Poker was an amazing teacher for this aspect of life. I explained i've learnt to focus on controlling what i can control. She tried to tell me that luck doesn't exist. I tried to respond that you can only control yourself and that's where my focus is, not on whether or not luck exists. It fell on deaf ears.

Next was the question of what limiting beliefs I have. This always makes me laugh. Anything I said I believed was a limiting belief, I got told was all in my head. I could say, i don't think I can fly, and they would tell me that's just a limiting belief and i'm wrong and ignorant.

I politely declined a return. maybe i should have just been open and blunt and said you haven't listened to me, you didn't believe what i did tell you, so why would you think i want to come back? instead, i just said i need to think about these things before i decide whether to come back, so i'm not taking your homework book which will force me to return to drop it off.
their reply was effectively "aha, I told you so, you are scared of new things! see. you're not trying this out!"
"i don't need to try out ebola to know that i don't want it" is what i wish i had replied.

in summary, playing poker, and reading the book "the 7 habits of highly effective people" was a above and beyond this therapy session, and sadly, probably better than most therapists and counsellors.

Sunday, March 22, 2015

confusing kindness with weakness

much like associating folding with weakness, i think most people incorrectly associate kindness with weakness. quite spectacularly.
I think too many people also confuse not caring what other people think with being unkind to others, or lacking empathy.

It is a great shame for them to live their lives this way. in poker you only lose money for thinking this, in life you lose a lot more.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

things to scare me

this week: talking to a therapist because i went a bit (read: completely) mental recently and I need to sort my brain out.

next week: starting a martial arts training. I hope that this will increase my discipline, make me less afraid of the outsides, and also improve my core strength.

as for things to work on: this week i'm back on diligence. I have so much to do and have had a very lazy couple of weeks. This week i will try to spend more time doing the things I should be doing on my ever increasing to do list. I have lots of great ideas on there, but they're all big projects so i need to prioritise them, focus on just one or two, and put the hours in.

Sunday, March 08, 2015


I fcuked up with the most amazing lady in the world. Now, I can totally understand how people die of broken hearts.

She is still my inspiration, and so I'm getting back on the 'doing one thing a week that scares me' horse. The horse needs a better name. Perhaps Gonzo. Not enough people are called Gonzo any more.

Two weeks ago I signed up to do a bike ride. The 100 miles around London one. oops. While waiting for it to get a bit warmer, I started doing a couple of runnings by myself. I hate running. It's boring and I'm rubbish at it.
Last week I took some photos for a website. I don't think I'm very good, but i'm going to let them be the judges and tell me I'm not very good.
This week I will be donating blood. I am scared of doing this.
I'm also quite scared of doing things by myself so I have done all these things alone.

I've never liked talking to other people. Or taking responsibility for things that I do - the only reason I like working in teams/groups is the shared responsibility. well, that and working with people smarter than me is a good thing for me. Not so much for them.

I think I've acted so well all my life that I've never accepted what I'm like. At least now I can work on doing things better.

Perhaps this was my problem with poker. Not being totally open and honest with myself in what i really needed to work on. The 3 most important areas really should have been entitlement, entitlement and entitlement.
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