sad times.

i once had a girlfriend. the most amazing human being i have ever met. it is very sad i am too mental (or idiotic!) that i no longer have her in my life.
amongst the many words of wisdom she has imparted unto me were the following (abridged version):
me: you are the most amazing.
her: only you see me this way.

only today i realised why not everyone sees her the way i do.
she is the most kind and thoughtful human i have ever met. by a long way. a very long way. she only ever tries to do good. being a thoroughly intelligent being, she also has a great sense of right and wrong.

when i was younger someone once said to me, perhaps no one thinks they are evil? perhaps everyone things they're doing the right thing? i do not accept this second statement. most people often do things they know are wrong and spent a lot of effort justifying the act to themselves and/or others. a while ago i gave up these attempted justifications, and now when i do something i know i shouldn't be doing, my general response to myself is "fuck it, don't be a child, it is my choice, and i'm choosing it"

this pretty lady, never does that. it's truly awesome. she always tries to do what is best. and what is best in her mind revolves, not around her, but others. which is even more remarkable.

so for months i wondered how no one else could notice such a thing.

today my thoughts returned to the fact that she is so unique, no one else even comes close to her and i'll never meet another person like her. the cliché which popped into my head (sorry Boris) is that there is no one in her league. and then i realised, to take the cliché even further, it's because no one else is even playing the same game. and that's when i realised why she is probably right that that most other people don't notice how she truly is amazing.

and then i once again felt sad.

Shake spear

"It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all."

Is it?

I present a case for the opposition:

A question for you. (Yes, you, reading this right now)

I need much help. It turns out that I don't really like living on this planet. I find that almost everyone I have ever met lacks kindness. Maybe I am naive as I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to be kind. When you're dead and only have a legacy left behind, and haven't been able to take anything with you, wouldn't it be good, at your final breath, to know that you made a real differences to the lives of others?
I know it's difficult to be good all the time and that everyone has bad days. It seems to me, with this optimistic point of view, that most people are always having bad days.

I was thinking about all the people I have ever known, beyond mere acquaintance when it is not possible to yet tell, about the trait of kindness. I think there are but two person I know who is focused on being thoughtful and kind. Maybe I have been unlucky with people I have met, or perhaps I did not focus on surrounding myself with such people.

I would like to ask you to look into your lives and let me know if you share lives with people who have good hearts. It would be reassuring to know that such people exist and aren't as rare as I seem to have experienced.

waiting for the phone to ring

a brief excursion a couple of weeks ago allowed some remarkable human interaction.

1. the local travel agency has a sign in their window, no doubt attempting to drum up business, which states
"because it's easier to click with a person than a mouse"

it's not. it's very easy to click with a mouse. in fact, i can click with every mouse at the touch of a button. some humans are slightly more complex.

2. i am opening a new bank account and they called me to say i have to go into a branch to get a certified copy of my ID sent off to them. the conversation was incredibly well scripted by a writer possessing a fantastic comical mind.
I turned up and it was empty which is always good as the service will be quick. The lady teller started trying to help me. I explained that i'd had a phone call needing them to photocopy my id, certify it, and send it off. She asked for an email with the info like the address. I repeated that i had a phone call, and they didn't tell me any address. She then turned to her computer and after about 20 seconds said she's looking for the head office address.

I began to worry.

A few seconds later she exclaims, "I found it. Lucky you"
Yes, lucky me, I thought. How lucky am I that the bank should have the address of their head office.
I told her they just needed the business name and postcode. She asked for full address and phone number.

I got a bit more worried.

I told her they just needed the business name and postcode. She asked for full address and phone number. To exit this potentially infinite loop I asked if she had a pen and some paper so I could write down the details. She duly provided them and asked also what the business did. I looked up and she said that she was just asking because she was interested. I gave a vague answer, and began to write down my details. Then she says
"I'm on your side"

I began to get very worried.

What sides are there here? Is it me vs the bank, and she's joining my company? Does she not work for the bank? Does she not like the bank? Even if any of those things were true, what sides? This isn't a war. I just want a bank account so people can pay me money.

The rest of the interaction was a bit of blur as i concentrated on escaping as soon as possible.
She hasn't yet called.

films reviews

so, Netflix, eh? some great tv shows. some great films. a lot of shite films with high Netflix ratings.
IMDB used to be a reputable source for ratings. these days, imdb cannot be trusted for ratings as far as you can throw them. and as ratings are an abstract concept, you can't throw them (and thus trust them) at all.

Film 1
The Oranges
I think that's this is what it was called. It has House in it. And Maebe from Arrested Development. It has 4/5 starts on Netflix and 6/10 on IMDB from 8000 ratings.

An entirely forgettable film. I have already forgotten it. My fading memories are House is great, Maebe said 'maybe' a couple of times and that is all.
1/10 (House saving it from a 0/10)

Film 2
Robot and Frank
Netflix rating, 4/5 stars. IMDB rating, 7/10 45,000 votes.
This film was described as a comedy. The only comical thing about it was that the writers somehow managed to get paid for this overwhelmingly awful film. It was impossible to tell whether the acting, writing or directing was the worst part of this film. Set at some point in the future, nothing seemed in any way realistic. Characters made the strangest decisions, completely free of logic on all possible occasions. It had no discernible plot. The only way I was able to finish watching it was because the snacks I made prior to the film made me not want to get up.
0/10

Netflix bonus rating
After i rate films 1 star on Netflix I get constant offers/threats - "based on you watching Robot and Wank, you'll enjoy these film..."
WHY?! Why do they do that. I hated it. Offer me good films instead perhaps? My friend got recommended Archer repeatedly by Netflix before he gave in and watched it. He then recommended it to me, so there is a chance that it could work.
Netflix algorithm: 1/10

dreams and nightmares

had a rather horrific nightmare to wake up to at 445am today. oddly, it involved sexy time. who'd have thought that could be nightmarish! i remember not being able to get back to sleep, but i obv did as my alarm once again caused me to wake up unpeacefully.

i think i'm a bit old to be having nightmares.

it's not all bad news though. i played 5 a said yesterday and made a save that ranks in my top 3 all time save. i literally didn't see the ball from just before it was shot to it hitting my hand. i anticipated it going to the open side of the goal, dived at the right time, and all i can remember is the look of incredulity of all around me. that's when I know i gone done did good.

as for everything else, life eh? i seem to be in a bit of a rut. haven't written anything for a long while, and everything seems to be a struggle at the moment. maybe i should just try writing 500 words a day. that's much more manageable and with what i've done so far, i should be able to finish by january's end...

scary movie

My lack of writing continues unabated. It would be impressive if it wasn't so depressing. Last night i decided to just chill and watch the american football instead of doing even a wee bit of writing.

This was after watching a scary movie. I have decided that I do not like scary movies and am not afraid to admit so. Luckily, I find that the tension remains high and the movie remains scary right up until the point that they visually introduce the scary monster. At that point it becomes laughably bad. I refer to all horror movies that involve monsters.
Yesterday's offering of "The babadook" was no exception. The tension was mounting, scariness levels were approaching 'I may have difficulty in getting to sleep tonight', and then they show the monster and instantly my entire body relaxes.
I think the real scary movies which can lead to nightmares are based on true stories, like The Dallas Buyers Club.

l a z y

every day for the past few months has been a struggle to get up in the morning. i have, what i would call, a heavy heart. it weighs me down, and i imagine it appears from the outside to be laziness.
This has not helped me with doing things during the day or the evening. Last week I think I bummed around for about 36 hours on Thursday. Couldn't even be bothered to head down to the vic to play some pokers. Tuesdays is seemingly a better tournament with more people for about the same price. Of course, the standard is the same because the people are the same. And I'm pretty sure a chimp from the zoo randomly hitting fold/call/raise would have a better roi than most of them. which makes it embarrassing that in 3 trips there i haven't cashed once.

in the meantime, I have spent two weeks thinking about my story, and needing to write better. I have a few more plans (e.g. better character falws, and decisions that they need to make with the consequences) and a few more chapters mapped out and so now I have started writing again. I will try to write 1.5k words a day, 5 days a week for a couple of weeks and then take stock again. This will include editing the first part, which will comprise about 70-80% of the book. No idea yet how the story will end, but i'll see what part I is like before I worry about that...

That is the plan, anyway. the new plan. The deadline of the old plan has been sent on a one way mission to investigate the surface of the sun. Part 1 was very much not finished in November. New plan is more realistic with a mid decemeber end for part I and 35k words.

current word total: 21.7k

crisis

less words this week, mostly due to an existential crisis. I think i burned myself out writing about 20,000 words. I have a decent plan to finish. Part I to be finished in November. About 30k words. Part II to be finished 10 days into December. 10k words.

Existential Crisis

I forgot to mention that this week's focus is humility. This is looking for the good in others as this will help remind me that everyone is better than me at some things. I thought I was good at this. I started thinking that this trait should lead to an appreciation of other people. Of course, I am well aware of how much I dislike most other people on this planet. I then realised that the two thoughts are mutually exclusive.

Apparently, these inconsistencies iron themselves out by the time you reach 50 something...

total word count: 20.6k

it's only words

and i have only managed 1000 words today. very slack of me recently. at least today i was actually working (after getting up at noon). I don't think i'll be done in November at this rate. I'm hoping one day this week I just bash out 5000 top top quality words. Don't hold your breath though.

total count: 19.9k
current status: it's 3:24am. I am tired.

post office

i constantly miss letters that the post office deliver. It's like they wait for me to be out and then send the post man/woman/child round to deliver. and they don't seem to like trying to leave the packages with the neighbours. This means that i have to go to the post office depot to pick up my packages.
i did however notice an oddity when I tried to present my ID.
If you show your passport, which contains your name, picture, and no address, that is ok (this is you. address unknown)
If you show a utility bill, which shows your name, no picture and address, that is also ok (correct address, human unknown)
If you show a driving licence, with the wrong address because you didn't change it since you just moved, this has the correct name and picture, but wrong address. This is unacceptable to the post office. They say that it is not me, and I cannot pick up the package.

I would however argue that the drivers licence is more stringent as a test for who you are then the utility bill. It is on the same level as a passport. In fact, you need a passport to make your drivers licence. It has your name and recent picture on it. Like a passport.

These days, I do all my bills online. I have a 2 month old council tax bill from when I first moved in - payments for this are also all now done online. I will not receive any more bills by post for as long as i live here, and as utility bills have to be recent i will only be able to use my passport to pick up future letters. This seems like overkill. If I'm in Europe, I don't even need a passport to go across borders, but the post office need me to show it to get a letter.

word count: 19k
plan: almost completed. been through all i have written. last few pieces of plot to be put together tomorrow.
then 1 day off.
from sunday: 2k per day for last 8 days of month for 35k total words.

this week's focus

cleanliness
this is quite a self explanatory one. i don't think there's nothing wrong with dressing down. looking casual is fine. obviously if you have an example to set, such as the US president, you probably should wear shirts for interviews rather than polo neck t shirts, but maybe that's just my thinking.

being clean, on the other hand, is not something up for debate. this includes clothes as well as at home. hopefully, i do not have much of a problem with this. I think i am a bit lazy with cleaning some things like my fridge, so it's a good excuse to do something small each day this week.

word count: 18.9k
after about 1 hour of work I ended up cutting more than i added. I've noticed it's tougher to have a time goal than a word count goal. Happily, I have but one more day of time goal and editing before I get back to writing.

kindness is magic

i think the saddest thing about society is that people constantly judge others. they seek to put down other people for anything and everything that they do differently. i guess most of it comes back to making themselves feel better. it is a shame they use other people for their yardsticks, rather than concentrating on doing the best that they can do. if others aren't hurting you (or anyone else), then there is no reason to even be concerned with what other people are doing. just be happy for them. there is an infinite amount of happiness to go around. and life is too short to be wasted on hating other people.

word count: 19k
on target to go through everything i have done so far, and reorganise it to make it easier for me to write, and complete a sensible plan. This semi break is totally not in the spirit of writing a book in november, but i have to do it this way to make sure i can complete it, and not have a complete piece of shit. just a semi piece. who knows, if all goes well this week, then i might be able to do 2k words a day next week and get close to 40k words. if i work a bit hard the next couple of days i could even start writing again properly from friday!

plans are good ummkay

so i did write another few hundred words the other day and then crashed and was lost in what i was writing.
yesterday i evaluated what i've been doing and need to change the structure of the book. i was jumping about in time, which i like, only i have found it difficult to know what is going on! so i have instead decided to write it sensibly (ie chronologically). this will make it easier to make it make sense to me. when i'm done i may mix around the times a little bit, as i think nearly on it makes the story better. perhaps not. i will get my editor to decide that.
for now, i am going over the whole thing again, and making sure my writing isn't lazy. this morning, i had 17000 words of mess. i have been through about 1/4 of it, and it's now 18000 words, and slightly less of a mess. i will finishing going through it by the end of the week, aiming for about 20-25k words done.
then, there will be about 7 days of writing i have left, to get it up to about 40k words and a complete story. i am now less worried about the word count, and making sure that the story is good and complete. The november writing will be used mostly as a motivator to make sure i write for at least 2 hours each day.

that is all.

a new low

today's count: 1195 words
I'm beginning to not like what i'm writing. This is quite a problem. I may have to get someone to read it who can honestly tell me whether i should bother carrying on. I very much want to quit right now. I think i may try and do 300 words to at least hit today's target.
total count: 15753

this writing malarkey

malarkey is a lovely word.
writing however, is becoming arduous. I hope I will break out of this funk shortly. I almost quit today, but managed to soldier on. My reward of a twirl definitely did the trick. The glucose hit probably helped my brain if not my water retention.
Yesterday I went out and only got home after 10, finishing writing after 1am. At least I am done now.

last two days: 3157
total word count: 14558 (442 behind target)

this week

this week, the focus is decisiveness

deliberate
decide
act

this can again obviously be honed on the poker felt and then applied to real life. you weigh up your options based on opponents, and betting patterns. You decide what your best course of action to take is. and then you do it. In poker you have the timer to force you into action. in the real world you don't have one, so need to make sure you remember to act. the balance between thinking long enough about doing something, and just doing it is quite key. the most important thing is to be aware of the results of your actions and remain aware and flexible to change your actions to receive the desired outcome.

these processes can then become internalised so that in similar situations you have an almost reflex like ability to understand the situation and how to respond. this can only be done when you are familiar with the situations!

it is important to note that results based thinking, while sometimes the only way to interpret actions, is not always the right way. as any poker player knows, it's about making sure that the decisions you take are the correct ones, rather than the outcomes that follow which are not in your control. being aware of this is something that i think poker players learn much quicker than the rest of the population.

in other news, the weekend was a bit farcical for writing. My day off spanned almost the entire weekend. I've almost caught up but am now too tired to do anything meaningful so will have to go to sleep. I will do 1600 minimum per night for the rest of the week to catch up.

words since last count: 2307
current total: 11,401 (599 behind target)

day 6

today, i have run out of words.

todays word count: 1588
total words: 9094

search results

i haven't checked these in a while. traffic has died recently so there are no good ones of late. However, when i checked all time search terms that people used to arrive at my site, i found some previously untouched gold:

"although i served him with section 8 and section 21 notices and obtained a court order for possession of the property, he was reluctant to move out or pay any of the rent arrears.county court bailiffs got him evicted and his total debt to date is £1,263. (quite much)."
-to that i agree. it is a lot.

"followed by ghosts"
-not sure i've ever offered advice for this problem.

a bad dancer is always impeded by his own balls
-must explain why i am so bad at dancing, and why no women are bad dancers.

chihuahua swallowed whole clove of garlic
-perhaps they were looking for yakshi

i just ate a whole clove of garlic
-perhaps not, and blaming the dog was a first attempt at hiding their shame, but now they're so ill they admit the truth! (or maybe it's a different person)


what is odd is that i didn't add the quote marks, so how did the first term get anything as a response, let alone reach my blog?

today's word count: 1470
total word count: 7506

exercise

i kinda peaked during my weight gaining, and had to concentrate on losing weight as i'd added way too much fat. I'm back to a much more pleasing 12% fat or so, and would still like to lose a couple of % from that. I also think i need to add some strength, without adding too much weight although a kilo or two wouldn't hurt.

my current regime is following the 4 hour body plan.
it is hilariously easy. i wonder if it will work at all. it begins with a 4 week conditioning program. which is solely walking 3 times a week for 15 minutes. lol. so i will walk 3 times a week, as fast as i can, aiming to walk slightly further each time. however, as i am not an american obese man, I will only do this for about a week and a half.

after these 2 weeks, the strength building will begin, with more hilariously short training exercises. they take less than an hour, with about 90% of it being resting (i.e. doing nothing). after 4 weeks of that, i'll see how i feel. I may need to go to a gym for this. I hate the gyms with a passion. There are many people who act rather entitled. I may try to find someone to go with as the boredom of gyms is also detrimental to pushing oneself further.

There are many things I seem to be doing on a daily basis now. learning a language, writing this terrible novel, reading more and learning some useful computing things like MySQL and building databases. I think not having a job is the best thing i've done in a long time. Once i get into these routines, sadly, I'll have to start looking for some more work.

Writing was pretty tough going today. I have made some plans for forthcoming plot and chapters so it's not all bad. It was just tough to motivate myself. Luckily the excess I wrote yesterday helped. I think i will take one day off each week otherwise I might burn out. This will mean that in November I will only be writing a total of 39k words. However, I will be pleased with that as a first draft.

Today's Word Count: 1170
Total Word Count: 6036