serendipity

 in the last month, as i've focused on self awareness, i've suddenly seen it everywhere

from feldenkrais, to actors on Ted

self awareness & misophonia

 i think i've had low self awareness thus far in life. 

in the last few weeks i've tried just paying attention to my body and the feedback i get from it, and trying really hard not to 'correct' anything. this is things like where my centre of mass is, which muscles are tensed/relaxed, if there is any pain anywhere, body temperature, heart rate, breathing, what i'm hearing etc

i also try to notice what causes changes to these things. again, not trying to correct anything, simply to notice.

i especially want to notice these things in the context of misphonia. i really struggle with 3 or 4 triggers, and i want to see if i can improve my response to them. definitely being calm helps, but i want to be more proactive. the plan is as follows:

1st week - self awareness when i get triggered. try to notice as many changes in me when it happens, and exactly what my feelings/senses are telling me, more than my thoughts. 

my long term goal is to not have the triggers affect me so negatively. i think i need to see how week 1 goes in order to plan week 2. at some point i want to experiement with exposure/triggers to see how my responses change when the triggers are slightly different. 

i am very excited by this self awareness. i have already found it hugely beneficial in life. the hard part is to not try to correct anything, but just to notice things and trust that your body will change things for you. it sounds crazy writing this down, yet it's worked for me! i am much calmer, internally, generally in life recently. I notice more aches and strains in my body. i notice that my breathing because deeper when i just notice how im breathing. and im very excited for the next few months to see where this goes. I think i will investigate this more in the context of martial arts, where i believe the eastern world has a lot to say about this. i might even try tai chi! 

empathy and lack thereof

 it turns out i dont really do empathy. i think i do, and i can understand what things are like for other people, but i dont really feel what they're feeling. though, this is probably because i never feel what i'm feeling. this annoys me! i recently realised i say i'm not hurt by something because i don't want to be hurt by it, not because i'm actually not hurt by it. this prevents any attempts to change it. 

so im going to try and start feeling things better and just go with. 

today i tried this with my boss, who decided that we cant hire two people, only one. this was as i was about to ask to hire three people, not two. and the reasons given dont make any sense. it was because "we didn't hire them before the end of the month"

it's not the end of the month and we were literally about to offer two people jobs tomorrow. 

this was frustrating. i want good people in place! even though i'm leaving lol. so i shouldnt get frustrated because i am leaving, but i just went with it anyway. it makes sense because its yet another thing my boss is duplicitous about. but it doesn't need to be frustrating because i know what they're like and i just gotta do what i can to actually hire three people. we'll see how that goes! 

day 10

i missed a few days. is this day 10 or day 15? well, it's the 10th day of my posting. 

the last fwe days i've been thinking lots about apologies. the following text will be an incoherent rambling

"i'm sorry you feel that way"

This is not an apology. It is, however, empathy. and sometimes useful, i think, if it's not meant as an apology, even though it has the words "i'm sorry" in it.

being asked to apologise. i'm torn on this one. if you need someone to apologies, you need to ask them to do so, they won't know. if you would like someone to be sorry for the things they've done, asking for an apology doesn't always work, because maybe they'll apologise when they know they need to, without actually being sorry. that feels quite untrustworthy though. 

i think you need to let people know when they've hurt you, without asking for an apology. the apology has to come from them. but without a commitment to change their behaviour, the apology is meaningless. except for you not knowing if they make that commitment. 

i also struggle with feeling hurt. i often know that i shouldnt feel hurt, and dont want to feel hurt but still get hurt by others! so why do i need to ask for an apology, instead of just becoming a better person and not being hurt? i guess there's levels to this - being hurt, and finding a behaviour in someone else difficult. if i find something difficult it's surely only reasonable to expect me to change myself. and if i dont want to, then to understand why. 

my therapist loves to tell me i dont live in a vacuum when i state the above. i know i dont live in a vacuum. that misses the point entirely. i dont not ask other people to change their behaviour because i think they dont exist. i focus on changing myself because that's all i can control. 

all that said, i think i need to work better on noticing in the moment when i get hurt, what caused it, coming out of the hurt, and then working on it at a later time to understand why that happened, and how i would want to behave when facing the same trigger. 

i think i'd like to revisit this post and try to make it coherent in future.

day 9

 bit defender thinks my own blog is suspicious. im not sure what to make of that, but maybe it's right?

not as suspicious as people taking the bins out after midnight though. 

therapy:

there were a few things i had on my list to mention tonight but i have forgotten most of them. old age is a blessing and a curse.

i've read the 7 habits a couple of times now. i know i can choose how i feel, yet sometimes i forgot and feel hurt by things i dont want to feel hurt by eg when my wife laughs at me because i feel ill. often i'll tell myself im not hurt because i dont need to be, but i am! very confusing.

also i need to decide whether to quit my job now or wait 6 months so i can cash in on my bonus...

day 8

 a quick one i'm getting in just before the midnight deadline:

there is very little in the emotional bank account between me and my wife at the moment so it takes not much for things to just deteriorate (i had to look that up, where is the blogger spellcheck!?)

i wonder if i can just change this for myself?

(tomorrow topic, if i didnt cover it yesterday - misophonia triggers)

Day 7

I just spent so long playing an online mega drive simluator that I almost forgot to post today. I recently read 'Ready Player One' and just thought it hit the spot for someone my age. I don't feel as old as I do. Except when I notice how long it takes for my body to recover from exercise. Or that mentally I am in a much better place than when I was younger. So I do feel old, but not as old as people older than me!

Therapy

I did have therapy thoughts today. I'm pretty sure I have misophonia. It's quite an annoying condition. Mostly neurological apparently, so I can't just stop feeling that way. Which is a pain. There are ways to minimise the response caused by certain sounds, which mostly involve being in a good place mentally. I've noticed that my wife hits all my triggers. I've tried speaking to her about this but it never really landed very well, so i just manage it myself as best as i can. Which is sometimes not very well. I'm not sure what to do about this. I think I will raise it in therapy!

Good night.

day 6

im impressed i've managed to keep this going daily. i hope i can keep the routine. I find it hard to do this daily, yet i have no problem playing worlde daily! Well, i do - i couldnt stop playing. I eventually failed one day (after playing it in style of hard mode) and have quit cold turkey - i never need to play again! 

my wife often compains she has ocd. she does not have ocd. she has issues with control (as do most people). she does not have obsessive compulsive disorder to do things. eg she'll say she has ocd about cleanings things, but has no obesession or compulsion to clean them except when she wants to!

i have pointed this out but didn't get heard. i have decided to stop being annoyed by this. i dont think it's a good attitude, as it's pretty much taking on a victim mentality and removing responsibility for self improvement. oh well. i hope thats not something i do. it's something that i often wish i had an excuse to do though eg if i did have ocd i would have an excuse for any poor behaviours i have. instead, i have to be an adult and try to fix myself.

new thought:

i regularly find it incredible how much of an effect music can have on me. especially music from when i was late teens. it can just make me happy. i saw less than jake are playing next saturday night in london. i considering going. i'll be one of those old people at gigs that confused me when i was young! 

therapy

im enjoying my attempts of heightened awareness of my self. trying to pay attention to how im feeling. physically, mentally & emotionally. my wrist has been hurting for two days. sometimes i sit in a way that causes muscles strains but i dont really pay attention. sometimes i'm thirsty and dont really pay attention. 

it also works on conversation with others. sometimes i feel like any deep/meaningful conversations with my wife don't end well. im trying to work on understand what triggers any negative feelings in me, and working them through to fix what's wrong with me in those cases. it's hard work but at least i have my five step program. 

Day 5

Bad times are an opportunity for growth. 

Having a difficult boss that dislikes you makes it easy to just quit and get another job. I am about to hand in my notice. I have however, encouraged myself to make sure that I can grow as much as possible during this times.

I doubt my boss will ever change, but I'm going to look at I can change the way I communicate with them so that I get what I need.

I am to try to be who I want to be, act in line with my principles, and leave knowing that I did my job to the best of my ability.

therapy

i have had no thoughts today on the matter.

day 4

Day 4 is brought to you by a low level virus.

I feel ill most evenings at the moment. A high temp, flu-like lethargy etc Apparently some viruses cause this behaviour. The immune system is a bit weaker at night so the body fights more readily against infection, and this causes my symptoms to be present only in the evening

I am otherwise practicising diligence, and trying to do one thing per day for book writing. I need to sort out the layout next. And then in a couple of weeks when i have time off work, im going to just write up the whole book. 

The lack of spellcheck on the blog spot editor is unforgivable, Apologies for any typos. I've forgotten how to spell since spellchecks became ubiquitous.

Therapy

Today, in couples therapy, I had to teach my therapist the first of the 7 habits. You are responsible for your choices. She said she makes dinner for her family even when she doesn't want to. I explained, that she wanted to do it more than she didn't want to do it. And it was her choice, she didn't have to. And that when she accepts it's her choice, she won't feel any resentment. And she can at any point in the future change her mind and stop making it. 

Luckily she agreed. 

Day 3

I have started looking for a new job. My boss just does not like me. They have never said one good thing that I do. All our conversations are centered around her complaining about things I haven't done. Often things which are not part of my job (and she acknowledges aren't part of my job). 

Today, I had my weekly 1:1 with her, and at one point she told me to calm down! For having the temerity to disagree with her. Then she told me I was being condesceding! Simply for defending myself and pointing out where she was wrong. I am not prepared to train her on how to behave properly.

I was worried about leaving as I've created a team I really like. Only today I found out one of them is resigning! That actually gave me so much relief I immediately called my favourite recruiters so I can get another job asap. I'm tempted to hand in my notice even without having another job!

I was talking to a friend a couple of nights ago how people's communications skills have deteriorated during the pandemic and how everyone has become more defensive. I defintely see that in my boss. I would guess it comes from a place of insecurity, but I can't be sure. I can be sure I don't care.

I like how much more centered I am. This mostly comes from the 7 habits. I've started noting a few other things I do which I need to do less of. I am not adventurous. Even taking a route home that I'm not familiar with is not something I do naturally and have to encourage myself to do. Even when asked if i didn't plan it in my head, my reflex is to say no. I want to change that somewhat.

Therapy wise, i'm still focussed on not holding my wife to any standards other than herself. This has reduced frustration I feel, and I don't take her moods as personally. I am pleased about this. 

Day 2

As I am currently feverish I will keep this short and sweet. 

I can’t test for Covid because my child has learnt how to administer Covid tests and used them all up. My wife was happy she kept busy. I don’t mind other than I would have liked to know so I could order more. Not that it really matters. No one cares about Covid anymore. Except I don’t want to infect old people for no reason. Tbqh I don’t want to infect anyone with what I have so I should stay home for a bit. 

In couples therapy, the therapist said “I need to learn to not hold my wife to my standards”. I know I don’t do that but something didn’t sit quite right. My therapist said the other day that I haven’t let go of my previous relationship. And that’s when I realised I hold my wife to my ex’s standards. A battle that can’t be won against a memory of someone. So I’ve stopped doing that and already feel better. Mentally! Still ill physically! Except maybe they’re connected and this illness is just letting go? Nah, probably an actual infection. 

a 4 week journal. day 1

today, my therapist told me i need to start a journal. i like to say 'my therapist'. it's like saying 'my lawyer' 'my accountant' etc and it means i am now an adult. i don't feel like an adult. i feel grown up / mature, as though i have a good attitude to life. but i don't feel like an adult. which is odd as i'm nearly 40. this is old by any metric.

what have i achieved in life? very little of note. maybe i need different targets. instead of trying to win the sunday millions, a bracelet, becoming a multi millionaire some other way, staring my own successful company, being a professional author, business coach, maybe i just need more meaningful goals. start a charity, raise happy children, become king of kong jr.

anyway, my therapist. she told me to journal. in this daily journal for four weeks i will talk about 2 things

1. therapy 
2. other thoughts

Therapy

i say 'my therapist' but it was the first session i have had with her. it was eye opening. she asked a question about belonging, and i said the only two times i felt like i belonged was 1 with my ex gf, and 2 when i walked into a casino in las vegas. she picked out the former and went with it. she later said it was interesting i brought that into the room, but i was just answering a question. anyway, i'm not really over my ex yet, which i probably should try to be. i said i was scared if i get over it then i wont have that as a part of me giong forward, but that's obviously not true. i can be over it and carry her in my heart till the day i die. i need to just work on myself to make sure i know thats true. i think that's what the next 28 days will be about.

Other thoughts

im going to quit my job soon. i think bonuses get paid in 3 months, so i have to wait till then to hand in my 3 month notice. i can do another 6 months. i enjoy the work. i enjoy the people i work with - they're really great (i chose some of them, so maybe i am biased). i also want to see through a couple of projects. but why am i leaving? i am not paid enough. and my boss is a dick. for example: they told me i'm not getting promoted because i am not a strategic thinker. they are new to their role managing my team. i have presented our team vision, how it fits in with the company vision, our roadmap of high level tasks and how they fit in with our team vision. i talked them through this and shared our docs which outline all of this. that is a strategy. in my opinion, it's actually a great strategy. it is, in my opinion, created along the principles of the '7 habits of highly effective people' a book i cannot recommend enough. and my boss says i don't know how to think strategically? i even asked the question: what could i have done better to communicate to you our team vision? i genuinely want to know the answer to that question.

there are plenty of things i dont do well. communicate with all other parts of the business (that is my boss's job, what the previous boss did, and started to pass on to me before he left), delegate better than i do, and more besides. but to pick the one thing i've actually done well in the last year, something feedback has been positive on with the changes that i've made, that's just a terrible excuse to not promote me.

the new boss has only complained about me since they got the job. i'm not sure why. the good thing about knowing i shall be quitting is that i don't have to care. i have no interest in confrontation, but i will be sharing my point of view next time i meet them, all coming from the place of how i feel, and what i think i have done well, and questions on what i could have done better.

more other thoughts. sometimes i think i'm addicted to sweet food, computer games, porn, chewing gum. then i read reddit and about people who have addictions and realise im not in that league. i dont think i'll ever be the best (or worst?) at somethingg.

more other thoughts. i need to drink more each day. so that i eat less and be healthier. i also need to sleep more. and exercise more.

i miss quincy capers.

ends.