Don't ever lose your dinosaur (boats and hos)

My new friend is the kindest person I have ever met. Sweet, honest and enthusiastic beyond compare, she is an example of how people should behave.
Kids have this way of thinking. They question how everything is, and aren't afraid to be themselves. She's a grown up with all those best qualities that haven't been beaten out of her by society no matter how much anyone has tried.
And so you should never lose your dinosaur. Not so that others will like you, but so that you will like you.

falling behind

it is now the twenty two of july and i have missed some picture taking days. i put this down to extreme tiredness due to overheating of my brain.
however, in this selection of pictures, i will have some worth way more than a single picture. but that is not good enough. challenge failed. it was a noble attempt though. perhaps i should have tried to post one every day instead.

spiral galaxy pancake. not a great picture. but immense tastiness.

an actual sign in the town of brighton. TOTALLY 100% legit.

MASSIVE lorry. little skip.

surprise

meat on a stick in the street. in the style of peep show.

an actual picture i took of the moon. through my camera phone, via a telescopic lens.

peeecs

a restaurant in town

it's hard to tell but the bottom of this 'get copies of your payslips' sign it says
"FOR LEGAL PURPOSES ONLY"
a surefire sign of meaning
"FOR ILLEGAL PURPOSES ONLY"

a pic from the hampstead heath at night. an unusual location that makes london look like it's in a bowl (it is in a bowl)

my teeth. after eating pancakes. covered in chocolate syrup. so much chocolate in fact, that i couldn't see the pancake i was eating.

i finally took this picture in the gym. the machine in question is a treadmill. you know, one of them machines that you run on. so the ground moves, but the machines stays in the same place and you run on the 'moving' ground. a real special sign is this one.

2 more pics

i went for a natural theme. nature is pretty cool.
the first is my attempts at growing a plant. so far i have accidentally ironed a couple of leaves. and two of the three flowers seem to have died/be dying.
2 growing flowers seem to not want to be flowering. it's not going well.

so i went outside and took a picture of a Ginkgo tree. just last week i found out that remains of leaves from these trees were found fossilised with dinosaur bones. that's pretty cool.

i trust you can work out which photo is which.

tomorrow i go to london town so hopefully there will be more interesting subjects to photograph...

picture a day

i have decided i will take a picture a day. i may not post every day, but a few at once. this will last all of july.
i will try to take interesting pictures.

July 1st.
This is the view from my flat.

July 2nd
This is some useless graffiti.

July 3rd
This is the most awesome tree branch i have seen.

July 4th
this is a stupid good luck charm outside an office i have seen.

July 5th
this is somerset house in town.

moving

moving isn't that painful when you don't have that much stuff.
it's slightly more painful when you have more stuff. and a bit weird when it belongs to an ex. at least she had good taste.

these days, unbeknown to me, when they give you internet, it no longer takes 5 days! they just come and sort out your phone line and then you plug in your router and boom, you can move in. it's pretty small place so i'm missing a table for my computer. i have one monitor on a coffee table and the other on the tv stand as a tv/monitor. though obv i need to buy a tv and then will have 3 screens in close proximity. i can turn on my work laptop and mac to have 5 screens all next to each other to full super cool. like that guy in that film.

i forgot to switch over my betfair account to their latest sack of shit software providers. this means i no longer get rakeback. i need to find another account which gives me something decent as i actually plan on playing a little bit soon. exciting times up a head.

i don't have many more funny things to report. i think i forgot them all. except maybe one conversation i had with a friend and when he said you can have too much of a good thing, and i replied no, blowjobs. no one turns them down saying, i've had enough. physically pushing a lady's head away and shouting, no, not now, i've had enough!

this post has been rather crude. my apologies.

tunnel vision

when i play football i have this great gift that apparently not everyone has. when looking down at the ball (to make sure i don't kick myself or trip over my feet) i can see out the corners of my eyes at what is round me. it helps me have great awareness and react a bit quicker to what will happen.

however, with great powers come great anguish. when i walked into the gym changing room today i was confronted by utter nakedness of a man. the male form is not that pleasant. for many reasons i do not look down ensuring my eyes remain at eye level. except this awareness doesn't turn itself off and i see his flopping member out the corners of my eyes. one would think that looking in the opposite direction to this man who was naked for a considerably long time would help. but oh no, the gyms have a habit of lining every single wall space with mirrors.

the mirrors are interesting. they both help and hinder in the actual gym. when there is a hot lady on the running machine i can see her in every single direction. i find it quite disconcerting, but maybe that's just me.

derek

i thought i'd written about this before but google disagrees.

this is the series that gervais wrote about a guy who works in an old age home. of limited intelligence, many people assumed it would be laughing at him. like all the best tv and films, it turned out to be anything but what you thought it would be about. the entire series is in fact about kindness.


the pilot is a heartwarming piece of telly vision. you have to be a cold bastard to not appreciate it. lots of my friends turned out to be cold bastards! so i decided after watching it, that i would make new friends based mainly on the criteria 'did you like Derek'.

two weeks ago i met a lady who i started doing some conversation with. at one point the conversation turned to tv shows. i was afraid to ask, because if she said no, i would have to not be her friend. i tested the water with a "did you see Derek?"
the response of overwhelming love for the show was awesome, and more than just a relief for me. so i think i made a friend. going to london town to tomorrow for an injection of culture with this new found friend. (not the comedy store, which one of my members of colleague at work seems to think is all london people do).

women want a bastard

i believe this is the case. it's probably genetic.

i often hear women say, i just want to meet a nice guy. this women often goes for the biggest bastards of them all.
i spoke tangentially to this in an earlier post to which yakshi's comment is wise.
"It's hard not to be careful and unconfident when you see so many boobs acting confident, utterly failing, but not noticing it enough to change their behaviour"

recently i began rereading Feynmann's first general memoir book. it's a lot more technical than i remember. or i'm getting stupider. maybe both. there's one chapter on how he was being taught by a man in a bar how to pick up women. general advice: treat them like shit. so he spent an evening with the mindset "they're all bitches." he ignored them, etc etc and to cut a long story short he got with a lady. he did this again once more. after this second time, he decided he no longer liked behaving that way. i liked that ending.

i don't like behaving that way. i tend to be slightly socially awkward and lacking in courage, although what i will say is this. the two women who i have loved were awesome human beings. and it turns out that a tiny percentage of women act like they don't want a bastard. maybe i won't ever be able to easily walk up to a girl (though i can recount quite a few times that i have while unintoxicated!) i believe i am happier this way. i also realise that while the sample size is unacceptably small, the outcome of my attitude has been to find the type of person i would willingly enjoy for the rest of my life. if only i wasn't so semi retarded, i would have had a better shot at that part.

i finally rented a flat and am soon to be waiting to input internet so that it becomes habitable.

in the meantime, i would like to share my tale of woe with an estate agency. i will abbreviate it thusly:

i agreed a tenancy application. i paid a deposit which included money for agency fee and reference check. they kept changing the move in date, and set it to a bank holiday. 2 working days before that date, i got the latest application form from them. they also asked for the rest of the deposit. i said no, not till we sign the actual agreement.
5 hours before the end of the banking day (and still no sign of a tenancy agreement) i got a call saying the landlady had changed her mind.
this was interesting because their tenancy application states that:

“All or part of the holding deposit will be non-refundable and will be paid to the landlord in the following circumstances.
…
2. having signed a tenancy agreement, you do not take up your tenancy and pay the full balance due on or before the commencement date”

no mention of responsibility, just that if i had paid the full amount, i would get nothing back because i didn't take up the tenancy.


also, of course, if i hadn't paid by 4pm that day to ensure they could get the money, they would have taken all my money.

at this point, they only wanted to return my deposit. not their fees or reference fees. the office of fair trading doesn't like this and their guidelines state I should get it all back.
having checked before sending them any money, and during their last minute phone call as to whether i would be receiving the full amount back (which i spoke in numbers for their benefit) I was told yes twice. except, that's not what they offered now.

my two favourite sentences from my letter of complaint to them were:

Dear Turdburglars,

I wish to register a formal complaint with your practice for your deplorable management of an attempted tenancy.

...


When I pointed this out to you [that they would keep all money money if i had paid more, or not by 4pm], you claimed that I would have received the full amount back. Yet, having heard that before from your company, I cannot trust your words.


Delightfully, this story had a happy ending as they finally agreed to give me all my money back.

This story almost had a diabolical ending. while i began to look for another place to live, i found a much better place. the letting agents? these bar stewards. what a pickle that would have been.
fortunately, a day later, a second agency also offered the place up, so i went with them instead.

real sitcom

my life appears to have rapidly degenerated into a series of unbelievable events. where a series can equal 2.

1. a friend has tried to arrange a date for me. this whole concept is beyond the realm of my understanding. for so many reasons. you do not know what i want. you probably don't know what the women wants. it seems to be a set up of convenience, rather than because it would be perfect. the conversation went something like "i have a friend, blah blah blah, can i give you her number"
pathetic, i thought.
"no, i am not looking"
i meant, no, do not look for me. then i had a thought. "unless, of course, it's natalie portman?"
"haha"
i wasn't joking
"so, i'll send you the number?"

how my friend made the logical connection from is it natalie portman, to sending me the number is beyond me. i may have to reconsider the friendship

then i starting thinking about what i would say if i met this woman. i imagine beginning with "so, when this goes wrong, which one of us has to break the news to our matchmaker?" and if that doesn't get a laugh i will say this isn't going to work and will get up and leave.

and then i began to think of all the amazingly bad things i could say. like "why are you single?" or "how was your childhood" or "have you been subtly forced into doing this too because you made a joke about natalie portman?"

the list goes on. i like that list. i wonder how many questions i could use from that list before she would leave of her own volition.


of course, the first thing i actually did was a facebook check and she is not attractive to me so is there any point? (hint: no)

2. estate agents continue to amaze me in their complete lack of benefit to society. however, it has now crossed over into a blatant detriment to society. on tuesday, when i hear back from these latest set of mongoloids, i will share the email i sent to them, enclosed within an email i'll be sending to the office of fair trading - for their contract and precontract are brimming with unfair terms.
they didn't reply after i made a thinly veiled comment about seeking further advice should they not comply with my demands of returning my money. i think they are either making me sweat it out till tuesday (lol, i've had to sweat dodging a flush draw when the river card gets delayed for what seems like an eternity. they cannot compete with that.) or they were too retarded to respond in good time on friday (most likely). we shall see.

"a gentleman might throw in the towel

but not me" - andy bernard

my brain and mouth sometimes have a ridiculous disconnect.

when i went to say "how are you", it came out as "are you ok?"
she stood there holding my credit card. she nodded awkwardly.
i repeated "everything ok?"
another awkward nod.

a lesser man would give up. i gave up, but only temporarily. i will be back for this russian lady another time...

i wonder how larry david got all those dates with the women that work in restaurants.

conversations from an office. Part III

TNBD (we'll call him tim) stars again.

next to me was sitting an man who turns up occasionally. we'll call him pete.

a couple of desks along sits an unapologetic math hater. we'll call her gertrude.

tim was sitting behind pete.

tim makes a phone call.
pete picks up his phone.
tim says "i know we haven't met, but my boss told me you can help with something"
pete says "ok. let's meet in person"
tim says "great, where do you sit?"
"do you know gertie?"
"yes"
"i sit next to her"

at this point a couple of people next to them have noticed their conversation. and that they're talking to each other.

"but...that's where i sit" says tim as he turns around to see pete on the phone turning around.

much laughter ensues.

the end.


ps i gave some brownies today to a hot kind girl because she was craving them from the last time i made them. SHE GAVE SOME AWAY TO ANYONE BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO EAT THEM OR TAKE THEM HOME. i no longer like her. (luckily she is not flag girl or hot eastern european canteen girl.)

how are you?

a friend just emailed to ask how i was.

i no longer know how to answer this honestly, without saying, "i have no idea what i'm doing. i need to sort out my life".

but no one wants to hear that. it's just a bad beat story. i tried it at work. someone asked me how i was, i said "terrible". they just said "great" and walked away.

just do it

i often get stuck when writing. i think i'm afraid it's going to be rubbish (which it likely will be regardless.) but that shouldn't stop me. i got some great advice from a friend once. just write. it won't be as bad as you think when you go back to correct it.

i was tasked with finding a location for a work event. i try to find things i want to do. i ran out of ideas so obv checked the interwebz. eventually making my way to tripadvisor i saw many things listed. galleries, gardens, shows and many more entertainment things. then i saw this:



the tube

yup. the 176th best thing to do in london for sightseeing is the tube, (added bonus: if you're lucky, you'll see plenty o' rats scurrying along the tracks. (to be precise, they're usually under the tracks, not directly on)).

this is a better attraction than the millennium bridge, the horseguards parade or somerset house!

current state of writing: 0 words today.
current amount i would pay for a boob-second: £0.50

[the second one is to remind me to talk to hot canteen girl. i almost know what i'm going to say!]

conversations from an office. part II

cast:
lady in a meeting
man in a meeting
3 extras
me

lady: so, (man), we see that you are in charge of the next section, tell me about it

lady points to title which reads "cameras - info"

man: it's info about cameras!

man laughs and looks around for reassurance.
awkward smiles break the faces of 2 extras. extra3 makes no effort to hide disdain.

woman: great, but what does that mean?

man: it's about pricing and [bla bla bla - i tuned out here]


later, that meeting


woman: so, (man), tell me what you plan to do to save money in your department?

man: save money! ha ha ha. 2 for 2.
raises hand
man: high five

no high five is forthcoming.

no extras smile.

the end.

fake

last weekend, i met two ladies.
apparently, i did well in the whole talking to them thing, according to the lady i was with. but that's not what i want to share (but i did, humblebrag, obv)
what i want to share is that i noticed accents i couldn't place so i asked where they were from and they lied by pausing and saying eastern europe. they followed this, under light interrogation, by clarifying exact location: "Russia". Lie.
This, I am sure of, because when i said things to them in russian, they did not understand!
I don't know who was more surprised. Me, with my ability to talk to women, or them, when i spoke russian.

Conversation from the office. part I

Scene with:
Tim nice but dim
Uninterested party 1
Uninterested party 2

Silence broken by a very loud exclamation:

TNBD: "Guys! Guess what film I watched last night"

pause

UP1: "The Lion King"
TNBD: "It's amazing how people have guessed that. I asked someone else and she said the same thing"

Brief pause while the response sinks in.

UP1: "Wait. You mean you actually watched the Lion King last night?"
TNBD: "Yes"

Back to silence.


The End.

today i ate some minstrels.

most places i go, i get accused of being a local. not russia, mind.
i get asked for directions often, so i've learnt to say in many languages "go straight, and then it's on the right."
sometimes, my lack of language gives it away. sometimes, my no doubt hideous accent.
sometimes though, i can just use international sign language. or if i'm far enough away e.g. directions to a passing automanoble, i can just mumble.

yesterday, i hit a first.

in a bar in town, unbeknown to me, they had a foreign gathering evening. i was there early, and drinking alongside two pasty ladies. one hot, one, not so much. opposite my friend and me, were a group of audible spaniards. the manager walked over to the ladies and told them of the foreign evening, saying they are welcome to stay where they are sat, but it might get noisy. he tried some awful banter and then turned to walk away. he saw the spaniards, and continued on his visual scanning of the room. next, it was us. he looked at us and said to himself, out loud, "you're ok here" and continued on his rounds.

my friend turns to me and says, "well, in a suit you do look like the algerian prime minister"

i went home and had a shave.

updated goals. yeah.

a minor change to my daily goals. but a good one.
also, im gonna try to stick to it.

slacked off on reading my personal statement every morning. i got afraid as it motivated me to do stuff and i'm lazy.

started reading again. 30 minutes a day minimum. i like this one. currently reading about economics as i know very little about it. it seems interesting, if hugely subjective in practice.

i want to include 30 minutes of writing a day on there too. but i feel there is a lot there already. i will try to do some of that, but won't yet force myself to do that every day like the other things.

actually, there's one more thing that i won't force daily yet, and that is the poker. i have remembered that my betfair account is in the red. this is partly because i spunked away £1k on horses. but nonetheless, i would very much like to see the card deposits back in negative. to the point of obsession. (is this how addictions start?) i can't remember how much i am down, although i would like to wipe it out in 3/4 months. i will deposit some money and report back with target to level. THATS RIGHT. I MIGHT DO SOME POKER!!!1!