Sunday, May 05, 2013

real sitcom

my life appears to have rapidly degenerated into a series of unbelievable events. where a series can equal 2.

1. a friend has tried to arrange a date for me. this whole concept is beyond the realm of my understanding. for so many reasons. you do not know what i want. you probably don't know what the women wants. it seems to be a set up of convenience, rather than because it would be perfect. the conversation went something like "i have a friend, blah blah blah, can i give you her number"
pathetic, i thought.
"no, i am not looking"
i meant, no, do not look for me. then i had a thought. "unless, of course, it's natalie portman?"
i wasn't joking
"so, i'll send you the number?"

how my friend made the logical connection from is it natalie portman, to sending me the number is beyond me. i may have to reconsider the friendship

then i starting thinking about what i would say if i met this woman. i imagine beginning with "so, when this goes wrong, which one of us has to break the news to our matchmaker?" and if that doesn't get a laugh i will say this isn't going to work and will get up and leave.

and then i began to think of all the amazingly bad things i could say. like "why are you single?" or "how was your childhood" or "have you been subtly forced into doing this too because you made a joke about natalie portman?"

the list goes on. i like that list. i wonder how many questions i could use from that list before she would leave of her own volition.

of course, the first thing i actually did was a facebook check and she is not attractive to me so is there any point? (hint: no)

2. estate agents continue to amaze me in their complete lack of benefit to society. however, it has now crossed over into a blatant detriment to society. on tuesday, when i hear back from these latest set of mongoloids, i will share the email i sent to them, enclosed within an email i'll be sending to the office of fair trading - for their contract and precontract are brimming with unfair terms.
they didn't reply after i made a thinly veiled comment about seeking further advice should they not comply with my demands of returning my money. i think they are either making me sweat it out till tuesday (lol, i've had to sweat dodging a flush draw when the river card gets delayed for what seems like an eternity. they cannot compete with that.) or they were too retarded to respond in good time on friday (most likely). we shall see.


Huddersfield Mark said...

This blog is one of the funniest I read :) Keep it up!

PS... I agree estate agents overcharge, massively. Free tip for people in Yorkshire, avoid Haybrooks.

When I buy or sell a house ideally I will aim to do it solely with the person selling, or buy it myself.

Yakshi said...


Mudwig said...

thanks you both kindly for your comments!

x_ROSH125_x said...

Take the date, whats the worst that can happen :p

Mudwig said...

the worst?
she turns out to be a stalker. the online kind. then the real life kind. this eventually leads to kidnap torture and cutting me into a million pieces.
even worser?
i'm on the date with her and natalie portman comes up to me to ask me out, only to stop when she sees me with another woman (she's not a homewrecker, obv). that would be worse.

things worse than the worst thing imaginable could happen. i don't know how you can live with yourself.

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