sometimes you need to be more selfish

a therapist i know once told me that, except he didn't say sometimes. selfishness can get a bad reputation, but i'd like to give one example to show that it can be used as a force for good.

if you've ever let a driver out in front of you and not received a thank you wave, you'll probably have boiled with rage at the indecency of their behaviour. (they're no ken livingston but...)
However, if you thought of the whole interaction from a selfish point of view, then the reason you let them out isn't for them, nor is it to receive gratitude for your actions; if you take the reason for you actions to be for you, to make you a better person, or even just to feel good about what you have done, then their response is irrelevant.

who is the greatest tv character of all time?

someone mentioned a terrible one to me the other day. must have been from some awful sitcom like big bang show. in my defence, so many names popped up into my head i couldn't think of the best since there were so many better ones.
i think i have to rule out sopranos because robert de niro in godfather II blows even that italian guy that come over in the sopranos out of the water.
there are some classics like blackadder, and basil fawlty but i don't think those characters are the greatest ever (even though those shows are amongst the best sitcoms ever made).

my non definitive list of around top 20 includes omar little (the wire) homer (the simpson) and ari (entourage).

honourable mentions go to larry david/george, house, malcolm tucker, señor chang, abed and randy marsh.
though i have this feeling i have forgotten someone.
as for cool characters and lives you'd like to live, i reckon vinny chase and hank moody would do quite well.

I'm beginning to think that one 20-30 minute work out each day isn't going to help me get big and tough and macho so i think i might need two.

aiming to reset body clock tomorrow morning by rising at 830. this will be tricky after going to sleep at 5am last night. and i'm not at all tired now. i might try reading something like the game manual for civilisation IV.

i missed a day already!

no post yesterday and none tomorrow either. some days are just devoid of interest. i read that some people tick off each day just before they go to sleep to remind them they'll never get it back and they should have used it most wisely. well, today i have done some work, continued with my daily work out plan and been incredibly tired all day. i even fell asleep on my floor for half an hour (in my defence the carpet is remarkably comfortable).

i think the main reason i get tired is through not eating enough. i like to make some pancake mix at the start of the week to last all week but i got through it pretty quickly this week. even though i used too many eggs and the first one tasted of omelette. so i added more flour and the next tasted of flowery omelette. so i added some milk and then it was the wrong consistency and tasted of flowery omelette. i don't know how that was possible as using those three ingredients it's not mathematically possible to have all three amounts incorrect. or so i thought.

i think i'm gonna try to eat half a tub of ice cream now. good luck me. (not to be confused with Goodluck Jonathan, president of nigeria.)

i set my alarm for 830. got up at 9 and did a 30min work out. ate some food, left my house and got to the office at 1045. in my mind i had wanted to be there by 830 and get all my printing done before lunch. but clearly that was never gonna happen. never mind. i still feel lazy in the morning but i hope these steps of getting up and working out regularly are going to pay off in just under 4 weeks time. hopefully will not be snoozing for 30 mins by then!

my easy jet story.
back in january i took a flight to return to the england. i left my friends house with time aplenty. when i got to train station i was told platform 3 to the airport. so i got on the train at platform 3 and it was a while till i noticed it should have already been at the airport. i called my friend to find i was on the wrong train. i got off at the next available stop and was probably close to 50miles away. oops. also, it wasn't a town where i alighted. it was a car park.
i still had 35 minutes before check in. i ran out of credit on my phone but the hot ticket office ladies i was talking to called me a cab from the nearest town. and i borrowed a phone to call a friend on the same flight as me. there was a 15 minutes delay so check in would be a bit later. hot ticket office lady number 2 told me no train for a while and its a 1 hour journey by car. i had 45 minutes.

the cab arrived about 15 mins later and we agreed a fee (all the money i had left on me, in a variety of currencies, equalling about £70!) i felt i had to try to get to the airport and maybe the delay would be a wee bit longer.

we left at about 35minutes to check in closing and after about 8 minutes, lady taxi driver with 7 year old kid in back, starts to pull over asking me if i can hear that. hear what?! she thinks it sounds like a flat.
we get out, i check my side, she hers. and drivers side front tire is flat. and she being a lady doesn't know how to change a tyre. so after eventually finding the wheel nut cap remover i change the tire. this doesn't help the race to the airport.

when we finally arrive, it's 20 minutes after check in was supposed to close, and after some pleading information finally agree to let me call through to the boarding people. they refuse to send someone back to check me in even though boarding hasn't started. the litany of excuses included the check in desks being the wrong ones and weren't connected. i pointed out the computers are obviously connected. he says again they won't send someone back to check me in. after doing less than nothing to help i hang up. i find the easy jet office number and use skype to call them and am told i can rebook at the airport desk for the next flight for £50. ok, so i walk round the airport with him on the phone but they have no ticket desk. even though his computer said they do. so i ask for the £50 booking done over the phone. i'm told they don't have the authority. i ask why all the big bosses with authority work in the airport and not their offices. he replies i should have been there 3 hours before take off. brilliant.

to cut a long and boring part of the story short, instead of rebooking for £235 on the phone, he'll offer me £215. i tell him i call him back. i get a friend to check online and see if there's anything cheaper but there is nothing. so i head back to my friends house to book on the phone. new lady on phone refuses to give me the discount the first guy said he wrote in my notes because i dont have his name. i give her his extension number, she puts me on hold and when she comes back says "i couldn't speak to him but i'll give you the discount anyway"
that made no sense.

and now, my card doesnt work. she wont take payment across two cards, wont book it and allow me to pay at the airport tomorrow, wont even allow me to reserve with a deposit. i ask why everyone at easy jet has been unhelpful today. she says "i've been nothing but helpful and i'm going to hang up now". she hangs up.

i get a friend to book online for me. cost, £225. £10 more than their generous discount offer.

the worst part is, after returning, i found out that the flight didn't start boarding till 850. more than 2 hours after i spoke to the self proclaimed manager working at the gate.

this was not on. i wrote to the ceo of easyjet upon my return, saying they should not treat customers who miss flights when abroad in such a horrific manner. i accept responsibility for missing the flight but can only accept paying £50, not £225. plus i want compensation. a week passes and no response. i see a story in the press of stelios complaining about the board and how they may not get their £800k bonus. so i write another email. i express my concern at the worry they must be faced with losing half their expected salary. at the same time i wonder that maybe the fact that they don't even get their pa's to respond to complaints plays a role in this. 20 minutes later i get a reply. this reply eventually leads to a refund of the flight plus a small voucher off my next flight with easyjet.

i was quite surprised at the outcome and was quite pleased with how they eventually dealt with it. as much as i disliked their customer service at the time of this event, in general their air stewards and stewardess are great, and unlike ryanair they fly to the actual city they advertise. and, of course, they are cheap!

moral: next time i'm gonna try to not miss my flight.

blogging every day

day 1 (\end big brother voiceover voice)

blogging every day? i don't think i can do it. i don't know how people keep diaries. i find my own (non humorous) thoughts usually to be dull since i am quite familiar with them. so writing a diary of things you thought which almost always turn out to be not as dramatic or interesting when you look back. meh.

i managed both a 30 mins work out this morning and about 15 mins of russian study. pretty pleasing. however, tomorrow (today now) i have to be getting up early (for me) and going out but wanna at least do the work out before i leave. so i reckon this is going to be the most mentally challenging work out of the week. that is hopefully the motivation i need. off to sleep shortly...

edit: forgot about writing that story i mentioned yesterday. will do a non last minute post tomorrow with all the words!

carpe diem (winger)

as i prepare to go to bed i try to have my final thought of the day to be simply that i can never get this day back. so i should be happy with what i've done. and am i?

well, i won at tennis for the first time in what feels like 6 months.
and i had one hilarious moment on the road today which culminated in a woman hooting at a parked car because it wouldn't go when the lights were green!
i also managed to do a bit of work in trying to learn C++. i'm not great at computer programming but if 12 year olds can do it, surely i can?
and i spent a bit of time planning the important things for my week ahead.

following on from teh previous post, i want to spend the next 30 days getting into some daily habits. i want to spend 20 mins per day working out, and 20 mins studying russian. i kinda got lazy with the russian study about 2 months ago and have never consistently done the working out daily.

so each and every day i will have a trip report confirming i have completed these 2 things. i'll also try to spruce it up with an adventure or a picture.

and as for carpe diem? i think every time i try to live in the moment, it seems to revolve around doing things in the moment but which revolve around reliving the past. such as trying to win a women back. i'm not sure that counts for carpe diem.

so, tomorrows adventure story will involve wrong trains, hot wimmen, punctures and stelios. in that order. (no more spoilers. you'll have to come back for more)

introverts!

TED is awesome. you probably already know this. of course, there is a lot of nonsense on there, but there is some gold too. loads of the talks are just a few minutes long. The two ones that i think are really useful are one on introverts. describing how society views extrovertion as the ideal and why that is not right. (introvertion is also not the ideal, the ideal is to allow people to choose, obviously)




The other one i found that's great is a 3 minute talk by some dude on doing new things, which leads to new habits. that one is embedded here.



as regular readers of this blog will know getting up in the morning is a massive inconsideration for me. partly because when you work for yourself you don't have an urgency to be up. the thing i've found most helpful is to set goals to complete in the morning but even with that motivation it's easy to put off. what's great is starting something, knowing it's only for a finite time. after 30 days, you have tried it and can just congratulate yourself and go back to how you were.

answering the phone because it's ringing

i got sent to scotland a couple of years ago to take a course in [bullshitbingo].
one of the things we had forced into our faces was the importance/urgency matrix

they tell you to prioritise things so that you do the top right box first, then the top left or bottom right, and then bottom left (if at all).

what nonsense. if you think about it, any activity which you place in the bottom row of 'not important' should be ignored entirely.

other things i learnt include that people will shamelessly (as in, while standing next to you) take credit for your work and thoughts. even if you are stuck in a hotel where your next thoughts should be of how soon you can leave, they are still concerned with showing off their sub-mental prowess to the people that run the bingo program of common sense.

happily, there was another normal on this course with who i escaped every day to the delightful city of edinburgh.

neglect

i have been neglecting this blog very much so.

in the past two months, i have played almost no poker. i went out to play one in london town, but i am reminded by how soul destroying live poker is.
i also played a little online but with my dreams of millions and freedom seemingly crushed i currently have little motivation to play.

so i have been spending substantial time (looking back it's amazing how much time i have spent on poker, reading and playing!) doing other things such as working on my company, beginning to write a sitcom, rewatching community, starting to learn C++ (and applying for j*bs). i may need to get a job for a wee bit till everything else takes off, but more revenue streams can't hurt. only in one job that I applied for have i got anywhere. i have had 2 other job offers in research thrust upon me, but i don't really want them. Good as they would be, I think it would be a last resort of sorts.

i've also written many posts and not published them because frankly, they bored me to tears. I often think that of my own thoughts though. in general i find myself quite boring mainly due to the fundamental lack of ability to surprise myself. i already know what i'm gonna do and what i think. and i tend to only accept boredom in exchange for money (ie jobs). or breasts (obviously).

PMA

That's positive mental attitude, for people who don't remember kriss akabusi.

It seems that all my life people have been saying (or at least implying) that thinking positively causes good things to happen. At least, that's how I always understood it.

It turns out that I've been misunderstanding it all along. Only recently have I become aware of what pma actually means and I hope it'll help at least one (of the few) that read this post.

In essence, the idea is that external events occur, which are viewed by you, and you should be viewing them in a positive light. Easier said than done, especially in some cases, but always possible. I guess people often laugh at the person that views the silver lining in everything, but happiness is a choice and the silver lining person is one who has made that choice.

When I can't see a silver lining I am left with the attitude (or knowledge?) that in one hour, day, week or decade, I will be able to look back and view the things that occurred in a positive light. Or perhaps take action so that I derive something good from it.

I just can't believe it took me so long to work out and that no one told me sooner!

This ties in a bit to not playing poker. I'm beginning to think that I would never have reached obscene riches from it. However, I think that is unnecessary. With the lifestyle benefits of working when you want to work, holidaying when you want to holiday and being able to obsess of something that you enjoy, I feel that I don't need obscene winnings, but enough to live off with some to invest so that I won't need to ever do anything again.

so yeah, one more shot?

eeeeeeeeeeeeego

when i play live i want to win but want it to be enjoyable for everyone.

when i play online i want to win and destroy the very fibre of my opponents being. i want to crush their hopes and dreams and leave them a trembling mess when they turn their computer off.

i never used to be like this when i played online. whether it was more fun when it was new, or if i wasn't such a cock a few years back i'll never know.

right now, i haven't played at all this year. having once again almost busted my roll after withdrawal i'm considering whether it's worth playing at all any more. the reason i play is to make enough money to live and invest. sure it's fun, it comes with freedom and many other benefits. but the bottom line is the ability to make enough money to set me on a path to financial freedom. originally, i aimed for the freedom to come through poker itself but right now that seems impossible. to be honest, right now even a simple goal like money to live and invest from poker seems an impossible goal.

i want to give myself another chance because i think
1) i can do it
2) the extra benefits of making ~£25k (tax free) from poker mean it is a very attractive proposition. not just the freedom of time, but the whole idea of working for yourself is very attractive to me.
the only thing is that poker is not going to be a stream of passive income, but that's what the money from poker for me to invest in will hopefully create.

the real question is whether i get a job and use that money to create such income, or use poker to do so. i'm tempted to give poker one more chance since it will be easier to go from poker to job if i fail whilst that is not true t'other way round.

now, i have to go eat. i'm pretty bored of eating. even chocolate doesn't hold my interest in food any more. except maybe twirls. their consistency is remarkable. my congratulations to the developers.

the importance of choosing words carefully

i was always a big fan of the thesaurus. even though i still pronounced it like it was a type of dinosaur until i reached about 15. it helps choose the right word when your close, but haven't quite found what your looking for. I imagine that anyone who uses words a lot uses them, except for journalists.

i don't mean to generalise so i'll just say most journalists are lazy. take this hilarious story of a crocodile attacking a lawnmower.

you will note that the story is mostly about a crocodile who attacked a lawnmower. the excuses for this act of insanity are given as he's territorial and he likes meat. which doesn't really cut it for me. but the funniest part of the story is buried and only briefly mentioned. in fact, it's only funny because of the ridiculous choice of words by the author of this article (who didn't source his comment):

"At the crocodile farm he was first brought to after being caught, he ate two of his girlfriends."

GIRLFRIENDS!?

i'm not sure that any animal of the opposite sex qualifies as girlfriend. i'm also pretty sure that girlfriend is not a term that has ever been used by david attenborough when narrating his nature programs. "penguins, choose their girlfriends carefully, as they will marry and stick with their husbands/wives till death does them part"

it seems the croc agrees with me and didn't see them as "girlfriends" either.

anger, pressure and replay retards

on saturday i lost about 6 buy ins. this annoyed me immensely. i didn't think i did much wrong and that was beginning to worry. constantly thinking i am not making that many mistakes yet constantly losing. so i checked my play for the last few months and saw i'm down 40+ buy ins, 80% from ev. essentially, losing 30+ buyins due to ev is no excuse for the overall figure. and at this point i realised that the pressure i've put myself under to succeed at this game, and succeed fast has spiralled out of control.

just like working for other people, you have to take pride in your work, without caring too much. knowing the grand scheme of things usually helps.
and so on sunday i woke up and when i sat down to play, had a feeling that i didn't really care. win or lose, i had to not invest any time caring about whether i won or lost. i'm pretty sure i won, but i had no desire to check my results, even after the event. i think a lot of the groundwork for this has come about from working hard every day to try to be orientated by my play and not my results, and largely the methods for doing this are from the mental game of poker. i don't wish to plug it too hard because, well, i don't really want anyone else to know the gold dust that lives on those pages.

enough of my rambling thoughts on that for today. my snoozing (or lack thereof) is going pretty well now, and am getting up within 5 minutes of alarm going off. I think i need to cut tv out just before bed as the blue light within, and brain state are conducive to sleep. might start reading (not via the media of computer) instead.

and finally, i would like to touch upon the replay retard. if anyone hasn't played fifa, look away now. if you have, you'll more than be aware of those people, who when playing online, will watch every replay of every goal they score. this is unsportsmanlike conduct. i played one of these creatures who went 2-0 up against me in the first 20 mins, watching as many replays as allowed of his weak goals. so when i scored my first, second and third goals to go 3-2 up i watched all my replays to send him a message. usually, i imagine they are hysterical when this happens, though in real life, they probably don't care. i still feel like i'm doing some good in trying to show them what a tool they are. when he equalised in the 85th minute - he didn't watch his replay! success! maybe he learnt?
anyway, this story does have a happy ending. i won with a last minute goal. i didn't watch the replay of that one.

the times, they are a-changing

a wise man once told me that when you're asleep you have no concept of time. i believe him because he knows, and you can prove it to yourself. if you have a nap in the afternoon, or sleep with blinds firmly closed, you will have no idea at all for how long you've been asleep. it's quite an interesting fact.
i also read in new scientist that dreams are in fact made up of snapshots, and your brain fills in the bits in between to get the movie you think you saw/were in.

i am reminded of this because on this morning, i had one of those dreams that felt like it was happening right now. I dreamt i had been snoozing for just under 30 minutes in a half awake state, and then in real life my alarm went off. i shot out of bed to turn it off and get up. i then realised, that it wasn't my alarm, but just an email notification. and my alarm had not once gone off yet. the excitement of achieving a no snooze day was offset by the shock of being awake and cold.

i think this snoozing epidemic is only relevant to people that live in cold countries. the main reason people don't want to leave the bed is the knowledge of the cold air that awaits when they pull back the duvet. when it's hot you don't have this problem. i wonder how the people in the arctic get up. i spent a night in the ice hotel, and while it never gets below -5 indoors (lol there are no doors), IT IS -5! they offer a compulsory alarm service (which is literally someone walking into your room to wake you up!) but i think this is mostly to check you didn't freeze to death overnight.

a 2 snooze day

that sounds like a cool metaphorical title but it's not. it was just the number of times i snoozed before getting up. i guess this won't be the easiest habit to change but i really need to fix it asap. 0 snooze days here i come!

meanwhile, today i discovered the main reason of losing moneys at poker this year especially over the past few months. aside from massive overconfidence, i have a decent thought process which will often start something like, i'm raising here and if i get reraised i'll fold. I get reraised and i think, well, i planned to fold, and i really should fold, but yeah, i like calling and then i click call.
this is insanely retarded. it was beyond my comprehension and i really chose to ignore it like it wasn't happening. so many times i thought, i should fold here, click call and obviously lose.

anyway, since the weekend, i've actually been able to avoid these retarded things (on almost every occasion anyway!) and am beginning to get happier with my play. today, i think i managed the most hands i've ever played. it's about time i delved as deep as i can into this game to see how i can do if i try my best. these days, i'd rather know i wasn't good enough then not try my hardest so i can have an excuse if i fail.

on thursday morning i gotta take a train to a drinking establishment. in preparation for this tube journey, i will now take my last shower so i smell appropriately.

a new beginning

each and every day this week my plan will be to wake up exactly when my alarm clock goes off. I will go to bed when i am tired, not before (and hopefully not long after) i.e. no lying in bed awake wondering when i'll fall asleep.

this morning, alarm went off and after hitting snooze i made the mistake of considering something. next alarm, 9 minutes later (why the iphone chose 9 minutes as a snooze period continually annoys me. what's wrong with 10?!) and I get up straight away.
no messing around with phone in bed reading the internet, no thinking, almost like a reaction i got up.

already been out today to the post officec (EXCITING TIMES!) and now to do some study, breakfast and more study. before recording a music video tonight. don't worry, i'm not playing anything, i'm literally doing the recording.

(oxy)morons

i was once asked "would you prefer to be hatefully remembered or lovingly forgotten?"
I replied by saying you can't be lovingly forgotten. How would that work?
-Do you remember what's his name, i really loved him.
-who?
-no idea

a lady i once lived with only asked me that only once. sadly, she kept asking lots of other questions. to make her stop i told her for every question, she would have to take off an item of clothing. more sadly, this did not deter her. in fact, it went so far, she even sucked the life out of me. and that, is the best euphemism i have ever thought of.

[though i presume someone has thought of it before, it seems pretty obvious]

i almost got up when my alarm went off this morning

i really hate being woken by alarm. even worse, is when it's cold and I have to get up. Of course, I don't have to get up but i choose to do so. i'm pretty tired of spending an hour in bed after my alarm goes off. today it was about 20 minutes. All of next week my plan is to get up at 930am every day. mere seconds after my alarm goes off. most people with jobs will probably look at me with disdain (for many reasons) and they'd be right to do so. still, baby steps and all.

speaking of which, since i got the mental game of poker, whilst i agree wholeheartedly with everything in it, and i've been doing the suggested exercises i haven't found much improvement. I think sometime last year i learnt bad habits coupled with a worsening ego. one thing that i found useful was detailing the errors in my game and labelling them as b-game, c-game etc.
yesterday, was the first time since starting this months ago that i have played my a game in consecutive sessions. i think it's coincided with not being horrifically underolled thanks to an fpp bonus. i did want to take out a bunch of money as i need to pay for a hotel and a tooth but now i want to keep some money in there. hopefully i can play well for the rest of the month and if i'm lucky withdraw come january. anyway, getting a head of my self, one baby step at a time. starting with a 930am wake up tomorrow...

[i thought about blogging at the time i wake up for motivation, records of success and failure. i might even think of something to say each day. i will also try to resort writing in caps to elucidate my grumpiness at early rising.
for example, i could start by saying why did parenthesis replace brackets? i'm bringing the bracket back.]

erm

was just looking through hands i butchered over the past few days. found one where i bet called the river with a straight vs a fish when the board paired. this was after i raised the turn when i hit my straight on a flush card.
worse than all of that is the fact that i had a 4 card straight. and i didn't even realise till now.
*head firmly in hands*

also checked my all in ev for last month. pre flop, i ran 19 buy ins below ev in 25k hands! can you imagine running 19 buy ins up? i try to imagine running level! well, i used to. now i try to imagine playing the same no matter how i run.

the thing i hate most about poker

it's not the ups and downs, nor the batterings that i take from variance. it is the way that it affects me outside of poker. in a sense i'm choosing to be affected by it for many reasons, and i need to learn how to stop.

right now, i've been thinking of trying to see if i can do this for a year or two (do this, refers to making enough money in that time to get a house). I don't want to play much longer but i think it's also a good way for me to fund all my other ventures. Even to date, i've been spending poker money on other businesses to try to make money, but in a useful way.

All this beings me back to my point which comes about due to the amount of pressure i put myself under to win lots and quickly. sure, to some degree i expect to win, even without trying. i know it's wrong, but these thoughts are borne out of the past. from school, to poker, i never really had to try my hardest. a part of me didn't want to so i could have an excuse if i failed. and things kept on falling into my lap to provide me with a path to take. even just now, the day after i had these thoughts, i got offered a job, without even applying!

hmm, another tangent.

I need to stop putting myself under so much pressure to win so much so soon. when all my plans relied on doing well at poker, going through a sustained bad run of bad play also makes it difficult for me to cope when outside of poker. i guess it's because i'm not comfortable enough with where i am in poker. and part of me thinks the only way to change that is to win lots and have lots of upwards trending graphs. though the other part that thinks just quit and do other things has been getting louder recently. alas, what all these other things are exactly, it doesn't know.

this year, even after bonuses i'll be down around 2k i reckon but it's the lack of options in the future that bugs me most and causes my grumpy nature.
a part of my hopes that writing this down for myself will help my state of mind away from the tables.
one thought that i keep repeating to myself was said by the 'moron' in the tv show 'monk' (randy discher, if any of you watch it), and that is
"happiness is a choice"

and he's right.