day 4

Day 4 is brought to you by a low level virus.

I feel ill most evenings at the moment. A high temp, flu-like lethargy etc Apparently some viruses cause this behaviour. The immune system is a bit weaker at night so the body fights more readily against infection, and this causes my symptoms to be present only in the evening

I am otherwise practicising diligence, and trying to do one thing per day for book writing. I need to sort out the layout next. And then in a couple of weeks when i have time off work, im going to just write up the whole book. 

The lack of spellcheck on the blog spot editor is unforgivable, Apologies for any typos. I've forgotten how to spell since spellchecks became ubiquitous.

Therapy

Today, in couples therapy, I had to teach my therapist the first of the 7 habits. You are responsible for your choices. She said she makes dinner for her family even when she doesn't want to. I explained, that she wanted to do it more than she didn't want to do it. And it was her choice, she didn't have to. And that when she accepts it's her choice, she won't feel any resentment. And she can at any point in the future change her mind and stop making it. 

Luckily she agreed. 

Day 3

I have started looking for a new job. My boss just does not like me. They have never said one good thing that I do. All our conversations are centered around her complaining about things I haven't done. Often things which are not part of my job (and she acknowledges aren't part of my job). 

Today, I had my weekly 1:1 with her, and at one point she told me to calm down! For having the temerity to disagree with her. Then she told me I was being condesceding! Simply for defending myself and pointing out where she was wrong. I am not prepared to train her on how to behave properly.

I was worried about leaving as I've created a team I really like. Only today I found out one of them is resigning! That actually gave me so much relief I immediately called my favourite recruiters so I can get another job asap. I'm tempted to hand in my notice even without having another job!

I was talking to a friend a couple of nights ago how people's communications skills have deteriorated during the pandemic and how everyone has become more defensive. I defintely see that in my boss. I would guess it comes from a place of insecurity, but I can't be sure. I can be sure I don't care.

I like how much more centered I am. This mostly comes from the 7 habits. I've started noting a few other things I do which I need to do less of. I am not adventurous. Even taking a route home that I'm not familiar with is not something I do naturally and have to encourage myself to do. Even when asked if i didn't plan it in my head, my reflex is to say no. I want to change that somewhat.

Therapy wise, i'm still focussed on not holding my wife to any standards other than herself. This has reduced frustration I feel, and I don't take her moods as personally. I am pleased about this. 

Day 2

As I am currently feverish I will keep this short and sweet. 

I can’t test for Covid because my child has learnt how to administer Covid tests and used them all up. My wife was happy she kept busy. I don’t mind other than I would have liked to know so I could order more. Not that it really matters. No one cares about Covid anymore. Except I don’t want to infect old people for no reason. Tbqh I don’t want to infect anyone with what I have so I should stay home for a bit. 

In couples therapy, the therapist said “I need to learn to not hold my wife to my standards”. I know I don’t do that but something didn’t sit quite right. My therapist said the other day that I haven’t let go of my previous relationship. And that’s when I realised I hold my wife to my ex’s standards. A battle that can’t be won against a memory of someone. So I’ve stopped doing that and already feel better. Mentally! Still ill physically! Except maybe they’re connected and this illness is just letting go? Nah, probably an actual infection. 

a 4 week journal. day 1

today, my therapist told me i need to start a journal. i like to say 'my therapist'. it's like saying 'my lawyer' 'my accountant' etc and it means i am now an adult. i don't feel like an adult. i feel grown up / mature, as though i have a good attitude to life. but i don't feel like an adult. which is odd as i'm nearly 40. this is old by any metric.

what have i achieved in life? very little of note. maybe i need different targets. instead of trying to win the sunday millions, a bracelet, becoming a multi millionaire some other way, staring my own successful company, being a professional author, business coach, maybe i just need more meaningful goals. start a charity, raise happy children, become king of kong jr.

anyway, my therapist. she told me to journal. in this daily journal for four weeks i will talk about 2 things

1. therapy 
2. other thoughts

Therapy

i say 'my therapist' but it was the first session i have had with her. it was eye opening. she asked a question about belonging, and i said the only two times i felt like i belonged was 1 with my ex gf, and 2 when i walked into a casino in las vegas. she picked out the former and went with it. she later said it was interesting i brought that into the room, but i was just answering a question. anyway, i'm not really over my ex yet, which i probably should try to be. i said i was scared if i get over it then i wont have that as a part of me giong forward, but that's obviously not true. i can be over it and carry her in my heart till the day i die. i need to just work on myself to make sure i know thats true. i think that's what the next 28 days will be about.

Other thoughts

im going to quit my job soon. i think bonuses get paid in 3 months, so i have to wait till then to hand in my 3 month notice. i can do another 6 months. i enjoy the work. i enjoy the people i work with - they're really great (i chose some of them, so maybe i am biased). i also want to see through a couple of projects. but why am i leaving? i am not paid enough. and my boss is a dick. for example: they told me i'm not getting promoted because i am not a strategic thinker. they are new to their role managing my team. i have presented our team vision, how it fits in with the company vision, our roadmap of high level tasks and how they fit in with our team vision. i talked them through this and shared our docs which outline all of this. that is a strategy. in my opinion, it's actually a great strategy. it is, in my opinion, created along the principles of the '7 habits of highly effective people' a book i cannot recommend enough. and my boss says i don't know how to think strategically? i even asked the question: what could i have done better to communicate to you our team vision? i genuinely want to know the answer to that question.

there are plenty of things i dont do well. communicate with all other parts of the business (that is my boss's job, what the previous boss did, and started to pass on to me before he left), delegate better than i do, and more besides. but to pick the one thing i've actually done well in the last year, something feedback has been positive on with the changes that i've made, that's just a terrible excuse to not promote me.

the new boss has only complained about me since they got the job. i'm not sure why. the good thing about knowing i shall be quitting is that i don't have to care. i have no interest in confrontation, but i will be sharing my point of view next time i meet them, all coming from the place of how i feel, and what i think i have done well, and questions on what i could have done better.

more other thoughts. sometimes i think i'm addicted to sweet food, computer games, porn, chewing gum. then i read reddit and about people who have addictions and realise im not in that league. i dont think i'll ever be the best (or worst?) at somethingg.

more other thoughts. i need to drink more each day. so that i eat less and be healthier. i also need to sleep more. and exercise more.

i miss quincy capers.

ends.