sad times.

i once had a girlfriend. the most amazing human being i have ever met. it is very sad i am too mental (or idiotic!) that i no longer have her in my life.
amongst the many words of wisdom she has imparted unto me were the following (abridged version):
me: you are the most amazing.
her: only you see me this way.

only today i realised why not everyone sees her the way i do.
she is the most kind and thoughtful human i have ever met. by a long way. a very long way. she only ever tries to do good. being a thoroughly intelligent being, she also has a great sense of right and wrong.

when i was younger someone once said to me, perhaps no one thinks they are evil? perhaps everyone things they're doing the right thing? i do not accept this second statement. most people often do things they know are wrong and spent a lot of effort justifying the act to themselves and/or others. a while ago i gave up these attempted justifications, and now when i do something i know i shouldn't be doing, my general response to myself is "fuck it, don't be a child, it is my choice, and i'm choosing it"

this pretty lady, never does that. it's truly awesome. she always tries to do what is best. and what is best in her mind revolves, not around her, but others. which is even more remarkable.

so for months i wondered how no one else could notice such a thing.

today my thoughts returned to the fact that she is so unique, no one else even comes close to her and i'll never meet another person like her. the cliché which popped into my head (sorry Boris) is that there is no one in her league. and then i realised, to take the cliché even further, it's because no one else is even playing the same game. and that's when i realised why she is probably right that that most other people don't notice how she truly is amazing.

and then i once again felt sad.

Shake spear

"It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all."

Is it?

I present a case for the opposition:

A question for you. (Yes, you, reading this right now)

I need much help. It turns out that I don't really like living on this planet. I find that almost everyone I have ever met lacks kindness. Maybe I am naive as I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to be kind. When you're dead and only have a legacy left behind, and haven't been able to take anything with you, wouldn't it be good, at your final breath, to know that you made a real differences to the lives of others?
I know it's difficult to be good all the time and that everyone has bad days. It seems to me, with this optimistic point of view, that most people are always having bad days.

I was thinking about all the people I have ever known, beyond mere acquaintance when it is not possible to yet tell, about the trait of kindness. I think there are but two person I know who is focused on being thoughtful and kind. Maybe I have been unlucky with people I have met, or perhaps I did not focus on surrounding myself with such people.

I would like to ask you to look into your lives and let me know if you share lives with people who have good hearts. It would be reassuring to know that such people exist and aren't as rare as I seem to have experienced.

waiting for the phone to ring

a brief excursion a couple of weeks ago allowed some remarkable human interaction.

1. the local travel agency has a sign in their window, no doubt attempting to drum up business, which states
"because it's easier to click with a person than a mouse"

it's not. it's very easy to click with a mouse. in fact, i can click with every mouse at the touch of a button. some humans are slightly more complex.

2. i am opening a new bank account and they called me to say i have to go into a branch to get a certified copy of my ID sent off to them. the conversation was incredibly well scripted by a writer possessing a fantastic comical mind.
I turned up and it was empty which is always good as the service will be quick. The lady teller started trying to help me. I explained that i'd had a phone call needing them to photocopy my id, certify it, and send it off. She asked for an email with the info like the address. I repeated that i had a phone call, and they didn't tell me any address. She then turned to her computer and after about 20 seconds said she's looking for the head office address.

I began to worry.

A few seconds later she exclaims, "I found it. Lucky you"
Yes, lucky me, I thought. How lucky am I that the bank should have the address of their head office.
I told her they just needed the business name and postcode. She asked for full address and phone number.

I got a bit more worried.

I told her they just needed the business name and postcode. She asked for full address and phone number. To exit this potentially infinite loop I asked if she had a pen and some paper so I could write down the details. She duly provided them and asked also what the business did. I looked up and she said that she was just asking because she was interested. I gave a vague answer, and began to write down my details. Then she says
"I'm on your side"

I began to get very worried.

What sides are there here? Is it me vs the bank, and she's joining my company? Does she not work for the bank? Does she not like the bank? Even if any of those things were true, what sides? This isn't a war. I just want a bank account so people can pay me money.

The rest of the interaction was a bit of blur as i concentrated on escaping as soon as possible.
She hasn't yet called.