forgetful sticks

i have lost many memory sticks in my time. I need to start password protecting them all since i know have data on them that could be called sensitive. my current losses are 2 identical looking ones. they're a bit shiny. i moved from my cave to an actual flat and now i can't find them. one is empty and one is full. i need the full one quite urgently. i will spend another few rounds of combing every inch of my flat including all the "obviously it can't be in there places because i haven't even opened that cupboard since i moved in and have no idea what is actually in there, i hope it's not spiders" places. i will simultaneously concentrate on not thinking that it is in the laptop case i threw away which was falling apart.

in other news, i moved out of my cave into a flat. i forget if i mentioned this. i am forgetting lots these days. i surely mentioned the bricks that masquerade as "heaters"?

as a brit, when people ask me how i am, i respond reflexively with, "great thanks!" if i had to answer truthfully i would say i feel both truly brilliant and utterly terrible at the same time. it's quite odd. i also find it difficult (impossible) to tell other people about this. i don't feel sorry for myself, and don't want anyone else too either.
one feeling often wins from the other but they're both always there. i appreciate immensely how incredibly lucky i am. i am well aware of this and it often permeates my many thoughts. it is a great source of relief and happiness and motivation to do well. at the same time, and sometimes winning are overwhelming feelings of depression and despair. i sometimes think about just moving away from everyone and living in an actual cave somewhere. i wouldn't even like to tell anyone. just go, for 6 months, and then come back to see how i feel. i often think no one would even notice. sometimes, i even like the thought that no one would notice. but like the occasional suicidal thoughts i know i don't have the gumption to go through with it. gumption. what a lovely word.

(i don't think i even have actual suicidal thoughts, just those where i don't really care if i accidentally or on purpose ceased to exist.)