Monday, October 06, 2014

a tale of murder

google tells me i haven't blogged about storage heaters. i find this hard to believe.

i used to live in a flat with them. during this time, they were the bane of my existence. they call themselves heaters. they are not. they masquerade as technology. they are not.

they are a caveman antiquity.
step 1: make fire
step 2: get brick
step 3: hold brick over fire
step 4: wrap brick in newspaper/bearskin
step 5: sleep with brick
step 6: die of hypothermia

storage heaters replace the fire in step 1 with an electric element. and they replace the bearskin in step 4 with a metal case.
they are stupid for innumerable reasons. mostly that they heat up overnight, give off their heat during the day and are back to being ambient bricks in the evening. most people sleep at night (under a duvet) and are out during the day. thus rendering the storage heater invisible. other than on your electricity bill.

after one winter where it was colder inside than outside and showering in the morning was such a tortuous experience i used to go to the gym and do some sweating solely in order to shower there instead, i left the flat.

i have recently found out that a few years before i moved in, a criminal who was owed hundreds of thousands of british pounds lived there. he was also murdered there. the man who owed him the money gone done did it. i wonder why the estate agency and landlords forgot to mention this? luckily it wasn't haunted. i think he had more important things to worry about than haunt me, such as his death.

1 comment:

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