toast

my toastmaster career ended pretty quickly. after one visit to the club, and one misplaced axe maniac joke, i started playing football again on the same nights so i never went back. i noticed everyone gave speeches which followed the same guidelines. unable to come up with material, and before i didn't know i wasn't going back, i wrote a speech in the hope i'd have a chance to talk to them from the pulpit.
since i'll never say it there, i'll say it here.
These are the exact words i planned to say (apart from the ones in brackets)

My speech
(reading from sheet)
Greeting everyone.
Thanking ringmaster. Thanking toastmasters. Thanking fellow guests.
Repeating title of my speech
Pausing for thought
Opening sentence. Seemingly unrelated to title. But you know I'll get there in the end.
Telling a funny joke.
Pausing till the laughter dies down. Still waiting.
Expanding on opening sentence. Taking a direction that is unexpected.
Pausing to make eye contact with audience.
Leading this thought into a joke, observational humour based on something you do which you don't realise is weird, but everyone does it without realising everyone else does it too.
Looking up from page to make eye contact.
Pausing as I see the green light comes on. Pretending not to panic when I see how much more I have to get through.
Scanning page as I look for key point to mention. Mentioning key point.
Pausing for dramatic effect
Key point has tied together opening sentence with title.
A rhetorical question about where my idea leads.
One final pause before thanking everyone.
(turning over to paper to reveal a blank sheet)