almost famous

yesterday i lost almost $4k. oops. i played the turbo thingy on stars at the same time and made $100 in that for beating about 23000 of 24000. which is about right in a prize/skill ratio as most of them were useless.
haven't played much before this new record loss (all at $1/2!) and not much too blog about.

i have also realised i don't like the captcha things websites make you do. they're good for all the anti spam etc, however, when i get them wrong i feel like a moron/robot.
which fits in nicely with dropping $4k.

i also came across this video (not literally, someone just sent it to me) and the guy that is the feature was someone i have had the misfortune of playing against in 5aside football. he is definitely in the top 5 of people i have ever played against. it was just very funny/bizarre seeing him on the interweb. sadly no clips against me.

today i found a new scientist from 1994. like the programme 'tomorrow's world' if anyone remembers that, there are many promises for how the future will change for us for the better. almost none of which is ever heard from again. so tomorrow, i shall peruse it and see if anything has come true. tbh, i'm still waiting on hoverboards like they had in back to the future. and that's been almost 20 years already!

animals

i wonder what sort of consciousness animals have. i hope it's reasonably high. and here is why:

my deaf cat was sitting outside the front of the house licking herself as cats do. some dude walks past with two dogs on leashes, who see the cat and start barking like dogs do. of course, my cat only sees them but doesn't hear them so doesn't even flinch but just sits there, legs akimbo, staring at the three of them walk past.

i'm pretty sure the dude was thinking that my cat is mental/tough like brad pitt in snatch. i just hope the dogs were thinking that too.

bad play bad cards bad airplane

well, it was a 4 hour journey (see previous post) and i think if it was a guy, saying no would have been easy. instead i just looked at this girl, shot her some evils, and said fine have my seat whilst i take yours in the middle of you and this fat man.
shot her a few more evils during the flight but i don't think she noticed since at the end of the flight she asked me how to turn of flight mode on her iPhone.

i made a horrific play last night and cried myself to sleep afterwards. very last hand of the day, recovered after being $1k down, uncheck autopost blinds on every table, very last table, very last hand get dealt AA utg. couldn't bring myself fold pre. so i raise. 3 callers. great.
flop comes TKT
checked round
turn is another T
nit in small blind bets out, only i call
river is 5 or something. so board is TTTK5.
he bets. i think and raise (LOLBAD). he shoves. i cry and call. obviously he has Tx and not Kx
all other tables were 1/2. that was limit above that.
many thanks to the dealer and my semi-retarded brain.

my wireless keyboard is now going mental so rather than replace the battery i'm just gonna go to sleep (explains any weird spelling in this post). definitely the easier of the two available options.

a cure for hiccups

i actually found one today. i was suffering for hours from this most pointless of afflictions when one of my chinese comrades says you just need to push a acupoint (or something like that). i assumed it meant acupuncture pressure point. so he showed me where it was, in the breastplate region. obviously i didn't know exactly where so i got him to do it for me. it really really hurt. the pain didn't last long though, and i stopped hiccuping. my body felt like it should still be hiccuping, but refused to do so! cured! i think the point is about 2/3rds of the way down the rib cage so if you could all please try this when you have the hiccups and let me know the results i can hopefully have a scientific study.

the second thing i need to ask is what would you do in this situation.
you get on a plane with your window seat boarding card. you are almost last on cos you don't see the point in waiting on the plane when you'll be stuck on it for the foreseeable future. you get to your seat and there is a hot bird sitting in it.
"that's my seat" you say
"i wanted to swap as i'm claustrophobic" she says. "it's ok?"
i stood there briefly considering my options.
first thing to note is she was clearly lying. why would your claustrophobia be appeased by sitting in the window seat? surely it's the whole plane thing that's the problem. so:-
1)it's my seat. gtfo.
or
2)ok. i'll sit between you (liar) and a very fat man.

what would you do?

(will post results in next post)

before i forget

bit of a collection of unrelated topics

i have lots of latvian change. and some lithuanian coins which the shopkeeper/taxi driver/some other cheat thought i wouldn't notice was different. i didn't notice.
this money is worth more than pounds but most places won't take coins in exchange for some real money.

here is an example of some fine european building. a well installed air conditioning unit in a room i once stayed in:



i remember now buying some chocolate deodorant (as mentioned in comments) cos it smelled nice in the shop. but when i got home it smelt more faecal. this is known as the 'elaine's skinny mirror effect.'
i still think there is a huge untapped market of food smelling smells.

here is my favourite hand of poker from today. first winning session this month. this hand helped. obviously i would have preferred a brick on the river

Seat 1 is the button
Total number of active players : 5
Seat 1: tard ( $103.90 )
Seat 2: luckynit ( $644.60 )
Seat 3: Hero ( $382.55 )
Seat 4: utg ( $252.57 )
Seat 5: utg +1 ( $670.85 )
luckynit posts small blind [$1]
Hero posts big blind [$2]

** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to Hero [ As, 2s ]
utg folds
utg +1 calls [$2]
tard calls [$2]
luckynit raises to [$12] - predictably
Hero raises to [$30]
utg +1 folds
tard calls [$28]
luckynit folds

** Dealing Flop ** [ 8s, Kd, 8c ]
Hero bets [$37]
tard calls [$37]

** Dealing Turn ** [ 9s ]
Hero bets [$74]
tard calls [$36.90] - i must be behind
tard goes all-in
Returning uncalled bet [$37.10] to Hero

** Showdown **
tard shows [ Jh, Qh ]
Hero shows [ As, 2s ]
** Dealing River ** [ Js ]
** Hand Conclusion **
Hero wins $218.80 from main pot with a Frush

pizza

sadly i only have this years hand histories currently available and when i looked at the winnings i almost cried. $800 on stars (150k hands) and $3000 on betfair (15k hands) (although this was 5000 before the weekend). this is not enough to sustain a human being with an addiction to chocolate and has left me massively disappointed. it looks like acting is the way forward. if any directors are reading this, in case you weren't sure, i am brilliant.

here are some brilliant idea(s) i have had today:

some aftershaves/deodorants should smell like food. everyone likes pizza. men like steaks. i walked past a man today and he smelt of pizza and thought it would be nice if a woman smelt like that. probably.

litter should be punishable by a sliding scale which takes into account how pungent the litter is. for example, the person who left a banana on the tube should be fined heavily, especially as there is no fresh air available in the tube or anywhere else in london. i propose a punishment similar to that for piracy, which is punishable with jail time and an infinite fine (according to the adverts in the cinema). and i don't even mind bananas. though i wouldn't want to smell of one. it's hardly as attractive as pizza.

as well as today's great epiphanies, i had some opposite moments.

i went into a building today that i hoped was magical. i entered said building with many things including a pen and a pencil. i left about 10 minutes later and realised the pencil had gone missing. i was carrying it in one of those plastic wallets so i don't know how it got out. i retraced my steps 10 yards of pavement and one room inside building and did not find it. though i found some people giving me strange looks. i left the building for a second time only to discover the pen had also now disappeared. the remaining item in the plastic wallet was a rubber/eraser. for fear of losing this, or perhaps even my phone or wallet etc i did not re-enter the building. i was also somewhat afraid of re-entering and looking like more of a retard than i ever thought possible.

so i spent the rest of the day hoping it was a magical bermuda triangle building, and not a sign of dementia/retardation on my part. sadly i recently left my abode with a pen and piece of paper. i got out my car walked one minute to a shop, and discovered i had the paper but no sign of the pen. yet another lost writing implement. today has made clear to me i am free to join 90%+ of the population in bliss.

acting

i've come to the conclusion that acting = lying. saying someone is a good actor is to say they are a good liar.

i'm not a great actor.

ha. i lied. i am. and ironically, you believed me. if you didn't believe me, then you know i am in fact a great actor.

i wonder how the spouses of great actors/liars deal with this fact.

surprisingly, this epiphany makes natalie portman no less attractive.

i also started wondering why i haven't yet made over $1million from poker. either i'm not good enough or haven't played enough hands. i will need to consider this further. in less than 9 months i am currently set to become a full time bum, and as such am considering the idea of playing poker seriously for 6-12 months to make some money. however, if i don't make £100k per year i don't think it's worth it. sadly, i have no better ideas about what to do in life. yet.