existential crisis number 132

Showers are great for thinking.

In today's shower I realised that about two years ago I mentioned on here I need to get some new friends. The criteria was whether they liked the TV show Derek.
In the intervening time, I have been doing what all poker players know is the number one sin - lying to themselves. You'll never get better if you can't be honest with yourself about what you do. And I realised that in life, while I know it's best to be open and honest (except at the tables), I convinced my self that I was. I wasn't. I also managed to convince myself that I don't care what other people think (well, I know I'm a good actor. I really haven't been good at this, while thinking I have been. I may be improving but very slowly due to my overestimation of my abilities. I just didn't realise I was so good at convincing myself.
And this is why two years later, I only made 1 real friend (as linked to above). They were the best friend I ever had, and I realised I've not done any better because i've been lying to myself all along.

The book (and definitely not the film) 'yes man' is great. The idea of saying yes to everything to be open to opportunities is great. I am going to be honest AND open about everything in a similar manner. Only for a week, mind. I dread people asking how I am, as my reply will be "terribly depressed." That is seriously frowned upon in England and probably punishable by hanging. Anything other than "fine, you?" is a criminal act.

I wonder where this will take me...