PMA

That's positive mental attitude, for people who don't remember kriss akabusi.

It seems that all my life people have been saying (or at least implying) that thinking positively causes good things to happen. At least, that's how I always understood it.

It turns out that I've been misunderstanding it all along. Only recently have I become aware of what pma actually means and I hope it'll help at least one (of the few) that read this post.

In essence, the idea is that external events occur, which are viewed by you, and you should be viewing them in a positive light. Easier said than done, especially in some cases, but always possible. I guess people often laugh at the person that views the silver lining in everything, but happiness is a choice and the silver lining person is one who has made that choice.

When I can't see a silver lining I am left with the attitude (or knowledge?) that in one hour, day, week or decade, I will be able to look back and view the things that occurred in a positive light. Or perhaps take action so that I derive something good from it.

I just can't believe it took me so long to work out and that no one told me sooner!

This ties in a bit to not playing poker. I'm beginning to think that I would never have reached obscene riches from it. However, I think that is unnecessary. With the lifestyle benefits of working when you want to work, holidaying when you want to holiday and being able to obsess of something that you enjoy, I feel that I don't need obscene winnings, but enough to live off with some to invest so that I won't need to ever do anything again.

so yeah, one more shot?

eeeeeeeeeeeeego

when i play live i want to win but want it to be enjoyable for everyone.

when i play online i want to win and destroy the very fibre of my opponents being. i want to crush their hopes and dreams and leave them a trembling mess when they turn their computer off.

i never used to be like this when i played online. whether it was more fun when it was new, or if i wasn't such a cock a few years back i'll never know.

right now, i haven't played at all this year. having once again almost busted my roll after withdrawal i'm considering whether it's worth playing at all any more. the reason i play is to make enough money to live and invest. sure it's fun, it comes with freedom and many other benefits. but the bottom line is the ability to make enough money to set me on a path to financial freedom. originally, i aimed for the freedom to come through poker itself but right now that seems impossible. to be honest, right now even a simple goal like money to live and invest from poker seems an impossible goal.

i want to give myself another chance because i think
1) i can do it
2) the extra benefits of making ~£25k (tax free) from poker mean it is a very attractive proposition. not just the freedom of time, but the whole idea of working for yourself is very attractive to me.
the only thing is that poker is not going to be a stream of passive income, but that's what the money from poker for me to invest in will hopefully create.

the real question is whether i get a job and use that money to create such income, or use poker to do so. i'm tempted to give poker one more chance since it will be easier to go from poker to job if i fail whilst that is not true t'other way round.

now, i have to go eat. i'm pretty bored of eating. even chocolate doesn't hold my interest in food any more. except maybe twirls. their consistency is remarkable. my congratulations to the developers.

the importance of choosing words carefully

i was always a big fan of the thesaurus. even though i still pronounced it like it was a type of dinosaur until i reached about 15. it helps choose the right word when your close, but haven't quite found what your looking for. I imagine that anyone who uses words a lot uses them, except for journalists.

i don't mean to generalise so i'll just say most journalists are lazy. take this hilarious story of a crocodile attacking a lawnmower.

you will note that the story is mostly about a crocodile who attacked a lawnmower. the excuses for this act of insanity are given as he's territorial and he likes meat. which doesn't really cut it for me. but the funniest part of the story is buried and only briefly mentioned. in fact, it's only funny because of the ridiculous choice of words by the author of this article (who didn't source his comment):

"At the crocodile farm he was first brought to after being caught, he ate two of his girlfriends."

GIRLFRIENDS!?

i'm not sure that any animal of the opposite sex qualifies as girlfriend. i'm also pretty sure that girlfriend is not a term that has ever been used by david attenborough when narrating his nature programs. "penguins, choose their girlfriends carefully, as they will marry and stick with their husbands/wives till death does them part"

it seems the croc agrees with me and didn't see them as "girlfriends" either.

anger, pressure and replay retards

on saturday i lost about 6 buy ins. this annoyed me immensely. i didn't think i did much wrong and that was beginning to worry. constantly thinking i am not making that many mistakes yet constantly losing. so i checked my play for the last few months and saw i'm down 40+ buy ins, 80% from ev. essentially, losing 30+ buyins due to ev is no excuse for the overall figure. and at this point i realised that the pressure i've put myself under to succeed at this game, and succeed fast has spiralled out of control.

just like working for other people, you have to take pride in your work, without caring too much. knowing the grand scheme of things usually helps.
and so on sunday i woke up and when i sat down to play, had a feeling that i didn't really care. win or lose, i had to not invest any time caring about whether i won or lost. i'm pretty sure i won, but i had no desire to check my results, even after the event. i think a lot of the groundwork for this has come about from working hard every day to try to be orientated by my play and not my results, and largely the methods for doing this are from the mental game of poker. i don't wish to plug it too hard because, well, i don't really want anyone else to know the gold dust that lives on those pages.

enough of my rambling thoughts on that for today. my snoozing (or lack thereof) is going pretty well now, and am getting up within 5 minutes of alarm going off. I think i need to cut tv out just before bed as the blue light within, and brain state are conducive to sleep. might start reading (not via the media of computer) instead.

and finally, i would like to touch upon the replay retard. if anyone hasn't played fifa, look away now. if you have, you'll more than be aware of those people, who when playing online, will watch every replay of every goal they score. this is unsportsmanlike conduct. i played one of these creatures who went 2-0 up against me in the first 20 mins, watching as many replays as allowed of his weak goals. so when i scored my first, second and third goals to go 3-2 up i watched all my replays to send him a message. usually, i imagine they are hysterical when this happens, though in real life, they probably don't care. i still feel like i'm doing some good in trying to show them what a tool they are. when he equalised in the 85th minute - he didn't watch his replay! success! maybe he learnt?
anyway, this story does have a happy ending. i won with a last minute goal. i didn't watch the replay of that one.

the times, they are a-changing

a wise man once told me that when you're asleep you have no concept of time. i believe him because he knows, and you can prove it to yourself. if you have a nap in the afternoon, or sleep with blinds firmly closed, you will have no idea at all for how long you've been asleep. it's quite an interesting fact.
i also read in new scientist that dreams are in fact made up of snapshots, and your brain fills in the bits in between to get the movie you think you saw/were in.

i am reminded of this because on this morning, i had one of those dreams that felt like it was happening right now. I dreamt i had been snoozing for just under 30 minutes in a half awake state, and then in real life my alarm went off. i shot out of bed to turn it off and get up. i then realised, that it wasn't my alarm, but just an email notification. and my alarm had not once gone off yet. the excitement of achieving a no snooze day was offset by the shock of being awake and cold.

i think this snoozing epidemic is only relevant to people that live in cold countries. the main reason people don't want to leave the bed is the knowledge of the cold air that awaits when they pull back the duvet. when it's hot you don't have this problem. i wonder how the people in the arctic get up. i spent a night in the ice hotel, and while it never gets below -5 indoors (lol there are no doors), IT IS -5! they offer a compulsory alarm service (which is literally someone walking into your room to wake you up!) but i think this is mostly to check you didn't freeze to death overnight.

a 2 snooze day

that sounds like a cool metaphorical title but it's not. it was just the number of times i snoozed before getting up. i guess this won't be the easiest habit to change but i really need to fix it asap. 0 snooze days here i come!

meanwhile, today i discovered the main reason of losing moneys at poker this year especially over the past few months. aside from massive overconfidence, i have a decent thought process which will often start something like, i'm raising here and if i get reraised i'll fold. I get reraised and i think, well, i planned to fold, and i really should fold, but yeah, i like calling and then i click call.
this is insanely retarded. it was beyond my comprehension and i really chose to ignore it like it wasn't happening. so many times i thought, i should fold here, click call and obviously lose.

anyway, since the weekend, i've actually been able to avoid these retarded things (on almost every occasion anyway!) and am beginning to get happier with my play. today, i think i managed the most hands i've ever played. it's about time i delved as deep as i can into this game to see how i can do if i try my best. these days, i'd rather know i wasn't good enough then not try my hardest so i can have an excuse if i fail.

on thursday morning i gotta take a train to a drinking establishment. in preparation for this tube journey, i will now take my last shower so i smell appropriately.

a new beginning

each and every day this week my plan will be to wake up exactly when my alarm clock goes off. I will go to bed when i am tired, not before (and hopefully not long after) i.e. no lying in bed awake wondering when i'll fall asleep.

this morning, alarm went off and after hitting snooze i made the mistake of considering something. next alarm, 9 minutes later (why the iphone chose 9 minutes as a snooze period continually annoys me. what's wrong with 10?!) and I get up straight away.
no messing around with phone in bed reading the internet, no thinking, almost like a reaction i got up.

already been out today to the post officec (EXCITING TIMES!) and now to do some study, breakfast and more study. before recording a music video tonight. don't worry, i'm not playing anything, i'm literally doing the recording.

(oxy)morons

i was once asked "would you prefer to be hatefully remembered or lovingly forgotten?"
I replied by saying you can't be lovingly forgotten. How would that work?
-Do you remember what's his name, i really loved him.
-who?
-no idea

a lady i once lived with only asked me that only once. sadly, she kept asking lots of other questions. to make her stop i told her for every question, she would have to take off an item of clothing. more sadly, this did not deter her. in fact, it went so far, she even sucked the life out of me. and that, is the best euphemism i have ever thought of.

[though i presume someone has thought of it before, it seems pretty obvious]

i almost got up when my alarm went off this morning

i really hate being woken by alarm. even worse, is when it's cold and I have to get up. Of course, I don't have to get up but i choose to do so. i'm pretty tired of spending an hour in bed after my alarm goes off. today it was about 20 minutes. All of next week my plan is to get up at 930am every day. mere seconds after my alarm goes off. most people with jobs will probably look at me with disdain (for many reasons) and they'd be right to do so. still, baby steps and all.

speaking of which, since i got the mental game of poker, whilst i agree wholeheartedly with everything in it, and i've been doing the suggested exercises i haven't found much improvement. I think sometime last year i learnt bad habits coupled with a worsening ego. one thing that i found useful was detailing the errors in my game and labelling them as b-game, c-game etc.
yesterday, was the first time since starting this months ago that i have played my a game in consecutive sessions. i think it's coincided with not being horrifically underolled thanks to an fpp bonus. i did want to take out a bunch of money as i need to pay for a hotel and a tooth but now i want to keep some money in there. hopefully i can play well for the rest of the month and if i'm lucky withdraw come january. anyway, getting a head of my self, one baby step at a time. starting with a 930am wake up tomorrow...

[i thought about blogging at the time i wake up for motivation, records of success and failure. i might even think of something to say each day. i will also try to resort writing in caps to elucidate my grumpiness at early rising.
for example, i could start by saying why did parenthesis replace brackets? i'm bringing the bracket back.]

erm

was just looking through hands i butchered over the past few days. found one where i bet called the river with a straight vs a fish when the board paired. this was after i raised the turn when i hit my straight on a flush card.
worse than all of that is the fact that i had a 4 card straight. and i didn't even realise till now.
*head firmly in hands*

also checked my all in ev for last month. pre flop, i ran 19 buy ins below ev in 25k hands! can you imagine running 19 buy ins up? i try to imagine running level! well, i used to. now i try to imagine playing the same no matter how i run.

the thing i hate most about poker

it's not the ups and downs, nor the batterings that i take from variance. it is the way that it affects me outside of poker. in a sense i'm choosing to be affected by it for many reasons, and i need to learn how to stop.

right now, i've been thinking of trying to see if i can do this for a year or two (do this, refers to making enough money in that time to get a house). I don't want to play much longer but i think it's also a good way for me to fund all my other ventures. Even to date, i've been spending poker money on other businesses to try to make money, but in a useful way.

All this beings me back to my point which comes about due to the amount of pressure i put myself under to win lots and quickly. sure, to some degree i expect to win, even without trying. i know it's wrong, but these thoughts are borne out of the past. from school, to poker, i never really had to try my hardest. a part of me didn't want to so i could have an excuse if i failed. and things kept on falling into my lap to provide me with a path to take. even just now, the day after i had these thoughts, i got offered a job, without even applying!

hmm, another tangent.

I need to stop putting myself under so much pressure to win so much so soon. when all my plans relied on doing well at poker, going through a sustained bad run of bad play also makes it difficult for me to cope when outside of poker. i guess it's because i'm not comfortable enough with where i am in poker. and part of me thinks the only way to change that is to win lots and have lots of upwards trending graphs. though the other part that thinks just quit and do other things has been getting louder recently. alas, what all these other things are exactly, it doesn't know.

this year, even after bonuses i'll be down around 2k i reckon but it's the lack of options in the future that bugs me most and causes my grumpy nature.
a part of my hopes that writing this down for myself will help my state of mind away from the tables.
one thought that i keep repeating to myself was said by the 'moron' in the tv show 'monk' (randy discher, if any of you watch it), and that is
"happiness is a choice"

and he's right.

I don't gerrit

this month, after 15k hands, i'm losing 1 big blind every ten hands. this is an unbelievably fast rate to lose money. this is 10bb/100 hands. i just don't understand how this is possible.

once again, it looks like i'm going to have to deposit an amount greater than or equal to the bonus i'm about to reach. i've never experienced anything like this in close to a million hands of play.
my last 12 sessions, i've played better than at any point this year. i've won in 7 (once $500, once $100, and every other time about $3.50). losing sessions, only one was less than a $200 loss.
if i can't beat the complete retards at 100nl who make glaring mistakes repeatedly, then how bad must i be. it's at times like this i usually ask pokerstars to send me a lifetime deposit/withdrawal statement for my account so i don't feel like shit. i'm not even sure that would help this time.

i won!

just once, but i'd literally forgotten what it looked/felt/sounded like. i'm not sure anyone thinks about what it sounds like. to me, it sounded like this.



in other news, i've eaten far too much chocolate today. i also had a dream about a girl i once knew. this girl opened my mind and blew it away and helped make me what i am today. till it went pear shaped. i'm not sure what made me think about her.
i did then think about telling her about the effect she has had on me. it wouldn't achieve much though. maybe make me feel better for how things ended but that's not a good enough reason to do it.

i had just started typing "anyway, enough of this emo sh.." when i realised that emotions aren't the problem. they're the messengers. use them to learn about your problems and solve the problems instead of just shooting the messenger. thanks to jared for that awareness in my mind.

i like the anonymity here. almost as much as the piece of music embedded above. which i discovered here:

rock bottom

i've busto'd my account, deposited a few hundred more bucks and busted that as well.
i'm less than 9k vpps from supernova and a 3k bonus (4k if i play a bit more, also making me extra $250 in the process).
problem is, i don't wanna deposit 1k to have at least a bit of a roll to play though i can't see how i have any choice if i want to play. bigger problem is i can't seem to win for love nor money. i think i've had two winning sessions in my last 20. even if i was a monkey clicking buttons i should be doing better than that.
i don't even know if it's worth going for a 3/4k bonus. last time i tried that i lost more than the bonus was worth. moreover, i don't even know if i should play again at all. i really want to be good, and want to do this full time for one year to bank a bit of money but money trend has been to the wrong direction for the past ~12 months. which is bizarre when i look at the statements of how much i've cashed out over the 2/3 years prior to that.

and if this doesn't work i'll have to get a j*b.

wgiwerubgv

i appear to be losing at a fantastic rate. i have noticed that i am not making more mistakes, more often. i am either bad or running bad. i try to correct the play bad but i can't seem to fix it.
not wanting to deposit, i think my options remaining are drop down to 100nl for a bit or deposit.
right now my only reason to play is to get supernova to claim the $1500 or $4k bonus. really i want to deposit but seem to have run out of money after withdrawing loads last year. i have literally no idea where it's gone!

hmmmmmmmmmmm

in other news, i think everyone should start using the interrobang more often. not only because it makes sense to have a punctuation mark that combines the question mark and exclamation mark (‽ ) but also because its name it awesome. interrobang!

a new thing i've been working on

i heard that you should never get angry. sometimes you may need to feign anger, but that should only be on the outside. this concept interests me immensely and so i have been trying to not be angry about anything.

being aware of this and trying to catch myself at the onset of the rage building isn't as tough as i imagined. nor is it as tough as preventing the rage from building.
a good marker for me is the effect that other mong drivers have on me. when i don't get angry from middle lane drivers ruining the roads for everyone, i know i'm in a much better mental state. i do wonder if what i'm doing is just bottling it up, or a long term cure...

been trying to play more poker as of this month. so far i've managed about 18 hours and 10k hands which i think is ok. i still want to aim for about 5 hours a day 6 days a week. anyway, als updated the bar on the right hand side, hoping to play better as the month goes on!

current schedule

i'm writing this here more so that i don't forget. every morning i plan to do
30 mins exercise inc all or some of yoga/weights/running
30 mins language study, including this (allegedly) great new program i found called anki
30 mins poker study, hh review and mental game work

once those are complete, i will play 3x 60 min sessions (rising by 10 mins per week to hit 2x90min and 1x60 min sessions), spread during the rest of the day

also need to do other bits and bobs during the day including some other academic learning and pr work etc. i should aim for 60 mins of each of those, in the afternoon.

all that should still give me plenty of free time in evenings and afternoons to watch tv like house and anything else that i find worth watching.

due to the boring nature of this post, in an attempt to spice it up, i will post a picture of glasses which were very cool when i was younger.

this is it

the time has come. my schedule is comparatively clear and will remain so until the end of the year. i am now committing to giving one last shot to make a boatload of money from the poker. i've always thought that unless i can make 6 figures per year it's probably not worth it.
to give myself the best chance i will be having a decent schedule. this means study of at least 30 mins per day. working out of at least 30 mins per day and playing in a non tired state of mind which will mean mornings, afternoons and evenings. with the americans kicked of the internet, i assume more of the action will be centered around times acceptable to my circadian rhythm.
hopefully you'll start seeing some weekly improvements to the target box on the right hand side of this blog!

finally, i lasted 10 days. i think that's ok. i found that i neither turned super intelligent (george) or super retarded (elaine). maybe everything on tv isn't real....

the contest

i still haven't had a chance to get around to playing an poker. this will change from the 9th of october. in the meantime, i have decided to go on a detox and as fans of seinfeld will know from the title of this post, this detox will see me attempt to reign as master of my domain for as long as possible. and where better to chronicle the struggles than here.
so that this is not a wasted experiment, i will also record whether i suffer the fate of elaine (become stupider) or george (become smarter). only time will tell...

i just bought my yearly travel insurance

it turns out there are some things i can't claim for. One of which they don't accept is:
"Any claim caused by you climbing, jumping or moving from one balcony to another regardless of the height of the balcony."

at first i thought that would completely ruin the holiday till i realised that there is no mention of jumping off the balcony to something that's not a balcony like a train or swimming pool!