serendipity

 in the last month, as i've focused on self awareness, i've suddenly seen it everywhere

from feldenkrais, to actors on Ted

self awareness & misophonia

 i think i've had low self awareness thus far in life. 

in the last few weeks i've tried just paying attention to my body and the feedback i get from it, and trying really hard not to 'correct' anything. this is things like where my centre of mass is, which muscles are tensed/relaxed, if there is any pain anywhere, body temperature, heart rate, breathing, what i'm hearing etc

i also try to notice what causes changes to these things. again, not trying to correct anything, simply to notice.

i especially want to notice these things in the context of misphonia. i really struggle with 3 or 4 triggers, and i want to see if i can improve my response to them. definitely being calm helps, but i want to be more proactive. the plan is as follows:

1st week - self awareness when i get triggered. try to notice as many changes in me when it happens, and exactly what my feelings/senses are telling me, more than my thoughts. 

my long term goal is to not have the triggers affect me so negatively. i think i need to see how week 1 goes in order to plan week 2. at some point i want to experiement with exposure/triggers to see how my responses change when the triggers are slightly different. 

i am very excited by this self awareness. i have already found it hugely beneficial in life. the hard part is to not try to correct anything, but just to notice things and trust that your body will change things for you. it sounds crazy writing this down, yet it's worked for me! i am much calmer, internally, generally in life recently. I notice more aches and strains in my body. i notice that my breathing because deeper when i just notice how im breathing. and im very excited for the next few months to see where this goes. I think i will investigate this more in the context of martial arts, where i believe the eastern world has a lot to say about this. i might even try tai chi! 

empathy and lack thereof

 it turns out i dont really do empathy. i think i do, and i can understand what things are like for other people, but i dont really feel what they're feeling. though, this is probably because i never feel what i'm feeling. this annoys me! i recently realised i say i'm not hurt by something because i don't want to be hurt by it, not because i'm actually not hurt by it. this prevents any attempts to change it. 

so im going to try and start feeling things better and just go with. 

today i tried this with my boss, who decided that we cant hire two people, only one. this was as i was about to ask to hire three people, not two. and the reasons given dont make any sense. it was because "we didn't hire them before the end of the month"

it's not the end of the month and we were literally about to offer two people jobs tomorrow. 

this was frustrating. i want good people in place! even though i'm leaving lol. so i shouldnt get frustrated because i am leaving, but i just went with it anyway. it makes sense because its yet another thing my boss is duplicitous about. but it doesn't need to be frustrating because i know what they're like and i just gotta do what i can to actually hire three people. we'll see how that goes! 

day 10

i missed a few days. is this day 10 or day 15? well, it's the 10th day of my posting. 

the last fwe days i've been thinking lots about apologies. the following text will be an incoherent rambling

"i'm sorry you feel that way"

This is not an apology. It is, however, empathy. and sometimes useful, i think, if it's not meant as an apology, even though it has the words "i'm sorry" in it.

being asked to apologise. i'm torn on this one. if you need someone to apologies, you need to ask them to do so, they won't know. if you would like someone to be sorry for the things they've done, asking for an apology doesn't always work, because maybe they'll apologise when they know they need to, without actually being sorry. that feels quite untrustworthy though. 

i think you need to let people know when they've hurt you, without asking for an apology. the apology has to come from them. but without a commitment to change their behaviour, the apology is meaningless. except for you not knowing if they make that commitment. 

i also struggle with feeling hurt. i often know that i shouldnt feel hurt, and dont want to feel hurt but still get hurt by others! so why do i need to ask for an apology, instead of just becoming a better person and not being hurt? i guess there's levels to this - being hurt, and finding a behaviour in someone else difficult. if i find something difficult it's surely only reasonable to expect me to change myself. and if i dont want to, then to understand why. 

my therapist loves to tell me i dont live in a vacuum when i state the above. i know i dont live in a vacuum. that misses the point entirely. i dont not ask other people to change their behaviour because i think they dont exist. i focus on changing myself because that's all i can control. 

all that said, i think i need to work better on noticing in the moment when i get hurt, what caused it, coming out of the hurt, and then working on it at a later time to understand why that happened, and how i would want to behave when facing the same trigger. 

i think i'd like to revisit this post and try to make it coherent in future.

day 9

 bit defender thinks my own blog is suspicious. im not sure what to make of that, but maybe it's right?

not as suspicious as people taking the bins out after midnight though. 

therapy:

there were a few things i had on my list to mention tonight but i have forgotten most of them. old age is a blessing and a curse.

i've read the 7 habits a couple of times now. i know i can choose how i feel, yet sometimes i forgot and feel hurt by things i dont want to feel hurt by eg when my wife laughs at me because i feel ill. often i'll tell myself im not hurt because i dont need to be, but i am! very confusing.

also i need to decide whether to quit my job now or wait 6 months so i can cash in on my bonus...

day 8

 a quick one i'm getting in just before the midnight deadline:

there is very little in the emotional bank account between me and my wife at the moment so it takes not much for things to just deteriorate (i had to look that up, where is the blogger spellcheck!?)

i wonder if i can just change this for myself?

(tomorrow topic, if i didnt cover it yesterday - misophonia triggers)

Day 7

I just spent so long playing an online mega drive simluator that I almost forgot to post today. I recently read 'Ready Player One' and just thought it hit the spot for someone my age. I don't feel as old as I do. Except when I notice how long it takes for my body to recover from exercise. Or that mentally I am in a much better place than when I was younger. So I do feel old, but not as old as people older than me!

Therapy

I did have therapy thoughts today. I'm pretty sure I have misophonia. It's quite an annoying condition. Mostly neurological apparently, so I can't just stop feeling that way. Which is a pain. There are ways to minimise the response caused by certain sounds, which mostly involve being in a good place mentally. I've noticed that my wife hits all my triggers. I've tried speaking to her about this but it never really landed very well, so i just manage it myself as best as i can. Which is sometimes not very well. I'm not sure what to do about this. I think I will raise it in therapy!

Good night.

day 6

im impressed i've managed to keep this going daily. i hope i can keep the routine. I find it hard to do this daily, yet i have no problem playing worlde daily! Well, i do - i couldnt stop playing. I eventually failed one day (after playing it in style of hard mode) and have quit cold turkey - i never need to play again! 

my wife often compains she has ocd. she does not have ocd. she has issues with control (as do most people). she does not have obsessive compulsive disorder to do things. eg she'll say she has ocd about cleanings things, but has no obesession or compulsion to clean them except when she wants to!

i have pointed this out but didn't get heard. i have decided to stop being annoyed by this. i dont think it's a good attitude, as it's pretty much taking on a victim mentality and removing responsibility for self improvement. oh well. i hope thats not something i do. it's something that i often wish i had an excuse to do though eg if i did have ocd i would have an excuse for any poor behaviours i have. instead, i have to be an adult and try to fix myself.

new thought:

i regularly find it incredible how much of an effect music can have on me. especially music from when i was late teens. it can just make me happy. i saw less than jake are playing next saturday night in london. i considering going. i'll be one of those old people at gigs that confused me when i was young! 

therapy

im enjoying my attempts of heightened awareness of my self. trying to pay attention to how im feeling. physically, mentally & emotionally. my wrist has been hurting for two days. sometimes i sit in a way that causes muscles strains but i dont really pay attention. sometimes i'm thirsty and dont really pay attention. 

it also works on conversation with others. sometimes i feel like any deep/meaningful conversations with my wife don't end well. im trying to work on understand what triggers any negative feelings in me, and working them through to fix what's wrong with me in those cases. it's hard work but at least i have my five step program.